Super? Bowl Sunday

I really could have cared less about football yesterday.  My town’s team is so far from ever getting to the big game that until yesterday, I couldn’t tell you who was playing.  (The only Brownies we got to see were the delicious ones that someone brought to the party!  LOL!  We suck.)

I did, however, attend the neighbor’s party.  Any excuse for a get-together is fine with me.  And one we can walk to?  Even better. 

The topic of the evening that seemed even bigger to my husband and I was that of kids.  It’s amazing how in the same night we can go from being so eager to wanting them and then find ourselves questioning the idea later on.   People brought kids of all ages to the party.  Not a problem at all.  I think it’s totally fine and if the people hosting don’t mind, why should I? 

By halftime, I wondered if the hosts (mid-twenties, no kids) rethought the idea.  LOL!   Footballs flying around the house.  Not just on t.v. 

In. The. House. 

My husband and I just looked at each other with that expression that usually  means either one of two things:

- We never behaved that way at someone else’s house as kids.  Our parents would have killed us.

OR

- Not OUR kids!  No way will they act like this. 

Will they?  Will we be able to control them?  Will other people secretly judge us like we were doing that night?  It was so hard not to judge when we witnessed one lady get hit right in the face with the football and neither parent of the guilty child acknowledged or noticed it. 

Remember, this was IN THE HOUSE!   I’m surprised nothing managed to get knocked over. 

It was interesting to see the differences.  Parents who are “eagle-eye” with their children vs parents who kept their eye on their beer.  Neighbors without kids vs neighbors with kids.  A couple of the childless ones went home early.  I guess they’re not “there yet” as far as being ready for kids.

One constant still remains.  The second anyone knows you are trying is like you are walking around with a huge sign over your head. 

The entire world:  “Sooooo???”

Me:  “Um, I just saw you a week ago and I have  beer in my hand, so no, nothing new to report.”  LOL!

We’ll see what happens . . .  but until then, we’ll keep watching Super Bowls just for the commercials and root for a team that isn’t ours.  And next time, bring our own helmets for damage control and flying footballs.

More Sherwin Williams colors

Nothing much going on here.  Feeling lazy today so I thought I’d post some more pics of the SW colors we’ve used.  Most of these are new.  When I’m considering a new color, I love finding pictures of paint colors people share, so I hope I’ve returned the favor to someone else today. 

SW Straw Harvest (back wall)

SW Straw Harvest

more Straw Harvest

We hired someone to paint our foyer.  There was no way we wanted to tackle the two story space.  So happy with how it turned out.  Straw Harvest is a nice neutral without being boring.  It almost has a hint of green/gold in it depending on the time of day.  I guess, well, like straw.  LOL!

L to R: Copper Pot, Chopsticks, Straw Harvest, Coconut Husk, Fired Brick

I paint with a lot of colors.  I know some people wouldn’t agree with this idea, but I like it.  I like the layering effect it produces.  I try to at least choose colors that are harmonious with one another. 

SW Cupola Yellow

SW Cupola Yellow

We wanted a happy color for the upstairs guest bath.  Didn’t necessarily consider yellow, but my husband found a great shower curtain and we were sold on the idea. 

Still trying to find the right shade for the rugs.  I want something like the towel shown in the other pics, a warm stone gray color. 

SW Eminent Bronze

The return of Eminent Bronze.  I loved this color so much in our downstairs powder room that I wanted to use it again in our laundry room.  Still can’t quite capture the true essence of this color but it is a rich, mossy green.  Love it! 

I guess that’s it for now.  The entire downstairs has been painted and we have plenty more to paint upstairs.  One of these days we’ll get around to it.

Brain fog and the worst feeling in the world

This week has been weird.  Like I’m in a fog.  Like every day is not the day I think it is.  We’re not talking I’m a day ahead or a day behind.  It’s like I’m flip-flopping days.  And I’ve been doing it all week.  Waking up not knowing what day it is.  Today I woke up in sweat thinking I didn’t study enough for my test.  Um, hello today is Friday, not Saturday!

On top of that, add some stress and a dash of insecurity.  Why not?  LOL!  And after all that you find yourself with the worst feeling in the world. 

Thinking your car’s been stolen.

OMG

I was all anxious yesterday about my class and feeling insecure about my project.  Things started to get better as the class went on and after I talked to the instructor.  She said it’s more about the process and not having this perfect idea figured out.   So as I started feeling relief, I received a text from my husband.  He was on-call that night and was stuck at work late.  I hate when that happens because I worry about him coming home late.  (Hospital’s not in the best of neighborhoods.)

So me and my foggy head of mixed emotions walked out to my car.

Walked out to my car.

My car.

Where’s my car? 

Ok, don’t panic. 

5 minutes later, I’m panicking. 

My work bag’s in there.  There’s bills in the work bag.  They’re going to have access to some of my credit cards.  My gym bag and ipod.  My husband is stuck at work late, how will I get home?  Oh jeezus. 

And on and on the thoughts went. 

Finally I flagged down campus police and got some help.  We eventually found my car much, much, MUCH closer than I had parked.  I was so sure I parked far. In fact, I was CONVINCED of the row and even the car I parked next to. 

I felt like an idiot. 

He said not to worry, this happens all the time and they are there to help. 

Sure, he probably had a good laugh at the ditzy blonde when he went back inside.

As I pulled out of the parking lot, it hit me.  I was remembering exactly where I parked on TUESDAY!  Not today.  What is wrong with me? 

Stress?

Still having weirdness coming off the pill?

Starting prenatal vitamins? 

Try looking up the symptoms and Voila! you’re instantly pregnant.  Every single symptom can be considered pregnancy, I swear!  I could look up a “stubbed toe” and think I’m pregnant!  LOL! 

I don’t know what this fog is, but it’s got to stop.  I’m reinforcing every blonde joke known to man when I’m like this.  I am not myself! 

TGIF!  Right?  It IS Friday?…

Please tell me it is.

Starting from scratch

It’s official.  I’m really intimidated about my classes.  I’m borderline ready to throw in the towel and just get pregnant instead. 

I’m in a class that is typically taken later in the program but I was given permission to take it.  I keep telling myself I can do this, but part of me doesn’t believe it. 

We were given a floorplan to work with.  Completely empty, along with a design scenario to fulfill.  Basically from scratch, I need to come up with how I’d like to see the space used. 

This is it!  This is the big time!  This is what I’ve been wanting to do! 

I’m just not sure if I was ready for it this soon. 

I’m at a loss.  I can design whatever I want, as long as it doesn’t knock the structure down.  It’s not a real building that could potentially kill its occupants.  It’s just homework!  A project!  This should be a learning experience for me.  I might even go as far as to say this should be somewhat FUN! 

Ugh. 

Why do I let myself get so scared?  What am I scared of?  Failure?  I think I did extremely well on the test the other day and I feel comfortable in what I’m learning.  So why the stumbling block? 

I have to do this. 

The other day I had to explain to my coworkers what my job entails and how I can help them, but also to identify my busiest times of my year to them.  I guess it felt like starting from scratch here at work, too.  But when you have some new coworkers, I can see the importance in this drill. 

Didn’t take long to realize it’s the same old, same old.  Being asked to make follow-up phone calls, to print documents, to mail something for them.  Really? 

Sigh.

I have to do this.  I can do this.  I MUST do this. 

Maybe I’ll knock down some walls . . .

In my drawing AND in my life.

Out with the old and in with the new

Happy February!

Ok, so normally this is the attitude most people have when crossing the December-January threshold, but that wasn’t quite as meaningful for me.  It’s not that I was thrilled to end the year, or the month of December, but I’m thrilled to be finished with January. 

I put my mind and body through the wringer. 

When I look back at the first month in this new year, it was crazy.  Period from hell, stopping the pill, and a laparoscopic surgery all in the first week.  By week two I was a bloated, blubbering mess, not knowing what was wrong with me and certainly not myself.  Week three I was finally physically and mentally able to get back to my usual resolution of getting healthy and back into my workout routine.  Wrapping up week four was fairly similiar to the beginning of the year.  Another period from hell.  Different from the last in the sense that it’s the first one off the pill.  I’ve been warned about this experience. 

Today, day one of the next phase of my life, brought me to the doctor’s office.  We had a lot to talk about.  The results from my surgery (this time I wasn’t too groggy to comprehend), and of course the recent mammogram tizzy.  In regards to the surgery, the endometriosis had returned.  I already knew this, whether he told me or not.   I asked him the level of severity and he said it was moderate to severe.  But he also said not to worry, that it’s a slow-growing disease that shouldn’t interfere much with my fertility at this point.  My left ovary was worse than the right.  It had a lot of adhesions on it and apparently it was fused to places it didn’t belong, like stuck to other organs. 

Eww!

Guess that would explain some of the weird pains and general discomfort I was feeling off and on.  As for the the mammogram, he said everything is fine.  Explained that they definitely want a really good xray this first time around.  After all, it’s the one that all subsequent xrays will be compared to for the rest of my life basically.  It was a scary, yet necessary ordeal that I went through. 

So hubby and I got the green light.  Well, sort of.  Even though we are really excited to start trying, the doctor advised us to wait one more cycle.  He said if it happened, it would be ok, but ideally we should wait one more month.  He sent me home with like 4 different samples of prenatal vitamins to try out. 

I told my husband that this one extra month is not the end of the world.  I think we should use it to get really mentally prepared.  Get healthy, get fit, get organized financially with a plan in place to pay off some bills, and basically enjoy life while we can, before the roller coaster of emotions we will deal with is upon us. 

It will be in with the new all over again with another month.  We just don’t know which one yet. 

Helpful hubby and his 90-year old wife

I feel like I’m 90 years old.  I am not going to the gym today, I think that might be borderline ridiculous if people saw the condition I’m in.  Ha!

5 solid days of having a hardcore workout, plus 5 solid nights of doing homework every night.  Some nights right after work and other nights after school, which was after work, which makes for a very long day.  It’s not that having homework is a surprise to me, hello, I’m back in school!  But the fact that I don’t really have a proper computer desk is taking a toll on me.  Right now, my computer is set up on a shelving unit from IKEA, set on its side.  And until recently, I was using some old, metal, extremely uncomfortable antique chair with a pillow on it.  Now I have an appropriate computer chair, but that makeshift table is killing me! 

I am a mess.  But I’d like to take this opportunity to say how wonderful my husband is.  He’s been so patient with my schooling and all the extra time it takes me away. He’s been cooking on the nights that I don’t get home from class until 9pm and even on some of the other nights. 

With my crazy try get to the gym every day routine, he’s also very understanding.  While he may not join me there, he’s been receptive to some of the new, sometimes healthier recipes I’ve been attempting.  I think he wants to start being healthier too if we are blessed with a baby. 

He realizes both of these things that consume me at times are very important to me right now.  And for that I am grateful. 

And when I climbed into bed at 12:30 last night after finishing my homework that was due for class today, crippled from all the elliptical rotations, stairclimbing, chapter reading, and paper typing while hunched over my ridiculous shelf-desk, oh yeah, throw in some monthly cramps, too!  LOL!, he wasn’t mad that I couldn’t get comfortable.  Everything hurt.

He got up early with me for school and made coffee.  I even got a shoulder rub out of the deal. 

Who is this guy?  And if this is what it will be like when I’m pregnant and miserable, he’s a keeper! 

Love you, hun!  Thanks for everything.

I. Am. Exhausted.

I. Am. Sore.

I. Am. Crazy.  LOL!

Maybe, maybe not.   The verdict’s still out on that one.  I’ve been trying to get back into working out and eating better and when I had some minor surgery earlier this month, I was sidetracked.  Actually, take that one step back.  Before the surgery we had the holidays and I was REALLY sidetracked!  So now that I’m feeling strong again I’ve been back at it, trying to workout when I can. 

Week one post surgery 3x

Week two 3x

Week three 5x!!  And the week ain’t over yet!  I might try and get one in over the weekend, too. 

What’s changed this week?  I don’t know.  I guess I’ve been doing some thinking and, well, some looking in the mirror, and it bothers me.  I’m still not where I need to be and now that my husband and I want to start trying to have a baby I really need to lose some weight. 

Fifteen pounds. 

I’d love twenty, but I’ll settle for fifteen. 

So I’ve been back at it for the past three weeks and this week I’m on fire.  Literally.  Well, at least my legs are.  You’ll see why in a sec.

I normally do around 30-35 minutes on the elliptical and burn anywhere from 300-400 calories every time.  Yesterday a few of the ladies at work decided to change things up and climb the stairwells at work.  I thought “Sign me up!” 

We have a 16 floor building. 

We climbed all the stairs.

TWICE.

Ouch doesn’t even begin to cover it.    That burning leg comment I made earlier? . . . umm, yeah.  Funny thing was, it only took about 15 minutes to complete, but I was probably sweating even more than my elliptical routine and in half the time!  So we are going to make this a regular Thursday thing at lunch time.  If I can walk again by then! 

You’d think I’d come home today and skip the gym, but this baby thing’s got a hold on me now.  So I went and pushed through it.  Not as vigorous as my usual self, but enough to loosen up the muscles and break a sweat.  I thought to myself, this might even be more dedication and effort than for my wedding?  How can this be?! 

Well, I don’t have to worry about fitting into a dress this time.  I only had to fit one person in my dress.   Ask my sister who was my matron of honor, what that’s like when she went to her last fitting for my wedding, pregnant with twins and couldn’t zip it up.  LOL!   

But in all seriousness, it is a health thing.  I’m like 5′-8 1/2″.  Is the 1/2″ necessary?  Well sort of when you try out one of those BMI calculators.  Many of them won’t let you type in a 1/2″ so when I type in 5′9″ I’m slightly disappointed at the result and when I type in 5′8″, I’m even MORE disappointed at the result. 

My BMI is considered healthy, but barely.  I’m barely hanging on.  We’re talking fractions of a point is all the difference in being considered “overweight or unhealthy BMI”.  I’m working on it and have been for quite some time but now I feel like it matters even more.   It makes me leery to get pregnant right now when my BMI isn’t healthy enough for one, let alone “two”. 

So that’s why I’m doing it.   For me.  For future baby.  In fact, that was my mantra on the stairs yesterday. 

Maybe I’ll get to the gym again this weekend and hopefully not right next to “annoying coughing dude” who ended up cutting my workout short tonight because I just couldn’t stand being near his hacking, while exhaling near me, all without covering his mouth. 

Dude, I’m trying to get pregnant here.  Oh wait, ok, not here exactly.  LOL!  Well, you know what I mean!

Whew!

The biggest relief of my life today. 

I could not sleep last night. I kept waking up worrying about my call-back mammogram testing this morning.  I literally dreamt of boobs.  No joke.  Like all sorts of women I know, friends, whoever, all talking about boobs.  Comparing boobs, talking about boobs, boob jobs.  It was the most ridiculous dream.  I couldn’t make this up if I tried.  And in this dream, I felt left out or like I was viewing all this from some remote island. 

I woke up like WTF? 

Oh yeah, I suppose this has something to do with my test today. 

Then in the shower, I kid you not, the song “Isn’t it Ironic?” was looped in my brain.  I don’t even know the last time I heard that song.  It wasn’t recent but the radio in my mind was blaring it on 10. 

So many women in my life for the past week have told me “I’ll be fine” or “it will be nothing”.  And while on one hand that’s easy to believe, I know so many women who have had scares, some of them cancer.   So I couldn’t help but feel like the odds were 50/50 today for me. 

When I got to the breast center at the hospital I was impressed with their facility and waiting area.  It was very calming and warm rich colors.  Similar to colors at my house and not the usual outdated peach, seafoam, rose or mauve colors with an icky wallpaper border peeling away from the corners that you see in a lot of facilities in desperate need of a facelift.  It was up-to-date and lovely. 

When I got called in everything starts to feel surreal.  You kinda listen but it’s hard to concentrate.  The waiting is the worst.  I waited to get called into the room, freezing in my little robe.  I saw the equipment and realized last week’s mammogram-torture device was probably called “junior”. This one was definitely more high-tech.  

We went over my previous films and I had no idea what I was looking at.  She explained that since this was my baseline and that I’m still young, the call-back can sometimes happen with dense breasts.  She felt there wouldn’t be a problem but explained that they have to go thru all the necessary steps. 

Apparently, being squished even worse than the first time, like crepe vs pancake, was the next step.  She squished me in all different directions using several different plates, I’m not gonna lie, this time . . .

it hurt. 

It was like my ears were going in and out of consciousness.  We’d start to talk and then I just wasn’t hearing her.  Between the pain and the fear, she was muffled to me.  Now she’s drawing on my breast and I’m like oh that’s it.  X marks the spot.  That’s where the cancer is. 

I waited for what felt like a year for the results. 

When she came back in and the first word out of her mouth was, “Ok…”, I knew right then and there we were going to the next step.  I don’t know how but I knew.  Maybe it was her tone or her pause or just my ridiculous intuition. 

I had to have the ultrasound step.  “Just in case.”

The wait for this step felt like an eternity.  My mind was killing me.  I wanted to call my mom.   I wanted to call my husband.  But I couldn’t.  Not yet.

The ultrasound was actually the most pleasant part of all. No squishing, hardly any pain and warm gel was applied.  Finally, some warmth!  I’ve been freezing at attention ever since I changed out of my clothes!  LOL! 

She said that it would take a few minutes for the radiologist to look these over but she felt there would be nothing to worry about. 

Whew!  A relief.  I wasn’t out of the woods yet but there was definitely a clearing. 

Within a few minutes, that actually felt more like minutes and not years, I was given my paperwork.

Normal/Negative.  No evidence of cancer.

What a relief!  Chances are, I’ll probably have to start going yearly sooner rather than later, but I’ll deal.  No way am I taking this testing for granted.  EVER.  (BTW, my mom’s testing came back normal too!)

One last thing to ponder about this visit.  The technologist who squished me today, had her first child at 41.  Said it was the best thing that ever happened to her.   Didn’t have any problems and she gave me hope.

On to Monday, dr’s follow-up for my surgery and boob scare.  Lots of stuff to discuss, including getting ready for baby!

Mindless post

Nothing much to report really.  Everything is sort of in waiting mode and that is precisely when my mind and I like to duke it out. 

Ahh my brain, my mind.  Warped at times, but always guiding, and sometimes, misguiding me.   It’s the mind that keeps me awake at night, yet keeps me in bed in the morning.  Won’t let me sleep at night, but sleep is all it wants to do when the clock rings. 

Like 9 times a day.  Seriously, I hit snooze on average 5-9 times a morning. 

Every evening, even if I feel tired, it doesn’t matter.  My husband can fall asleep in less than a minute. Not me.  Not always.  I described my mind to him as satellite dish tv with hundreds of channels, and someone is sitting on the remote. 

Click, click, click.  Gotta do this tomorrow.  Don’t forget that.  What am I going to do about this?  It’s exhausting. 

Then morning comes.  I hate mornings.  Why can’t I get up?  Is it because of where I’m heading?  Most of the time it’s work.  What does that tell you?  But sometimes I’m getting up for other things and it’s rough.  My mind doesn’t stop. 

It can also be my worst enemy at times.  Especially when I’m trying something new, waiting for an answer to something, or most often, when I’m standing in front of the mirror attempting to get dressed every morning.  It loves these moments. 

When I’m trying to read my homework assignments, sometimes it won’t cooperate with me.  It’s gotten better though.  Back in the day I’d almost never know what I just read.  Now I only have to go back once in a while and reread something.  Probably because I’m tired from it keeping me up the night before!

My husband usually gets up BEFORE the clock even rings.  You know that little click sound you hear before the actual alarm?  Yeah, that’s how he rolls.  Right out of bed and into the shower.  I don’t know how he does it, but he has this saying “only you can determine the kind of day you will have.”

I’d like to think that I don’t purposely tell myself to “HAVE A CRAPPY DAY!”, replacing this little guy  with a red-faced, grimace-y grump.  Do I really do that to myself?  I guess I must. 

Just once I’d like to win.  I want to beat my mind at its own game.  And I think I’m doing that with my schooling and plans and everything but it will take a while to finish.  And my mind knows this.  It reminds me every time I go to school.  Even though I’m loving it, it’s hard not to be reminded of how many more classes I have, then the job search at the end.  Thanks, mind! 

This week, it will feast like a king.  I have so much on my plate it’s not even funny.  From deadlines at work, to going to my meeting with my wellness coach telling him I haven’t lost any more weight and in fact, I’ve gained.  Oh yeah, the biggie, going for my call-back mammogram on Wednesday, plus school just kicked it up a notch.  I think I read about 30 pages last night (5 of them twice!), and have about 30 more to read tonight.  This is just for tomorrow’s class.  It doesn’t even begin to scratch the surface of what is expected of me in my Saturday class this week.   Then finding time for the gym and trying to cook healthy, keep up with the house.  Some people strive on juggling.  I don’t think I’m there yet. 

AGHAHGGHH!   Eat up, brain.  Food for thought this week.  Enjoy!

Is that a scale in your pocket? . . .

Ok actually it was in my purse.  LOL!

A coworker was complaining about how heavy her bag/purse was getting and how many things she has crammed in there.  To that I said, “yeah, but do you have this?”

I pulled out one of those architect’s scales that they use to draw things to scale.  Like a three-sided ruler.

Well, here . . .

One of these.  LOL!  She laughed and said that she didn’t have one of these.  I mean, you can’t leave home without it!

It was in my purse because I wanted to finish some homework over my lunch hour and I don’t bring my backpack into work.  That would kinda be a dead giveaway that I’m in school, wouldn’t it? 

I grabbed my notebook and my purse and off to lunch at a nearby coffee shop I went. 

I soon came to the realization that even if I didn’t have homework to finish, I need to get away more often.  I eat lunch at my desk like 99% of the time.  Day in and day out.  Mainly I just surf the internet during lunch, but then I also find myself still answering the phone and emails relating to work.  It amazes me how many people just keep right on working through their lunch hour and sometimes I find myself a culprit. 

I hate that. 

You need time away, even if brief. 

So now I’m kinda going through this period of feeling guilty because school is still a big secret.  I’m doing so well in it, yet I can’t fully share it freely.  I felt really weird when the entire HR department walked into the same place I was having my lunch.  Ok, so there’s only 3 of them, but still.

They saw me, but I didn’t have my homework pulled out yet.  I immediately felt like such a sneak.  I just don’t think this is something I need to bring up right now, yet I struggle with the sneaky feeling I’m experiencing.  It’s not like I’m doing anything wrong.  I don’t know.  A lot can happen over the next year, who knows?

Until then, I’ll just keep plugging along, full scale.