Feel the burn

Well.  HCG has been administered. We made it to the end of the injection road. 

As I sit here feeling the slight burn from the shot, it makes me feel good.  I finally feel a little calmer now.  This has been one hell of a week.   After going for ultrasounds three days in a row, it got to the point that everyone knew who I was!

Today’s ultrasound went really well.  The extra day of stims and their hefty price tag did what they were supposed to.   The 18s became 20s, the 16s became 18s and even some of the 11s became 13s.  Over the next day and a half, I can only hope things continue to get better before retrieval.

The nurse called to confirm that my surgery is Saturday and I was thrilled to learn I am the first one of the day.   Great news when it comes to fasting.  Then she told me even more great news.  We happen to really like the particular RE who’s on that day.  When it can’t be your own RE, it’s nice to feel comfortable with the on-call doc.  She joked that this RE can find eggs we didn’t know were even there.   I laughed and said, “perfect!” 

So I guess it’s go time.   These next few days are the most difficult to describe and endure.  But we’re ready.

The finish line just moved

If I only had a money tree…

Got the call today that the RE wants ONE more day of meds.  Too bad I’m all out.  Well, with the exception of maybe 75IU left in my Follistim pen.

I had wrapped my head around taking Friday off for surgery, as did my husband.  I was ready to get this going.  Every day drags on for an eternity.  I was so set to do the HCG trigger shot tonight and fumble my way through school and work tomorrow to get to Friday.

During my ultrasound today, it felt like we were close.  Real close.  But there was that margin of doubt that maybe not close enough.  As I listened to the follicle size numbers being rattled off, I felt like I was either in a bingo hall or playing the lottery.

19.   Yes!

16.  Damn.

18.9.   Yes!  Another good one!

13.  No!  Grr!

18.    Bingo! 

All in all, I had four that were in the 18+ range, which is great.  Then I still had a few in the 13-16mm range.  And even a couple more in the 10ish range.  Compared to last time, I had only 3 in the 18+ range (with a few more stragglers) when I triggered, so the nurse thought there was a chance they’d have me trigger tonight.

Nope.  They decided on one more day.

What’s one more day?  About $500.  Let me go shake that money tree I have in the back yard.

The nurse told me that she thought the pharmacy sold Follistim in smaller sizes than the 300IU cartridge but that I’d have to draw it out with a syringe and split up the dose between what’s left in my pen and I said I didn’t care.  Anything to save me money.  When the pharmacy called me back, they said they no longer make them that way.

Of course they don’t.  So wasteful, buying more than I need.  I about cried when I rattled off my credit card number for the third time in one week.  Heck, the card was still warm from the last transaction!

I get it.  I do.  We’ve come this far and they (and we) want the best chance possible to get a baby out of all of this.  If another $500 produces another egg or two, it will be worth it.  And if it works, it will all be money well spent - the entire grand total of BOTH cycles.

When I relayed the latest news to my husband, he referenced our recent trip to Vegas.  He said not to worry about it and that “we can say that we went all in.”  Love that guy.

Inching even closer

I am very aware of my ovaries today.  And I don’t know what hurts more, my ovaries or my wallet.

Had our next ultrasound today and we are getting closer to knowing for sure when the egg retrieval will be.   The lead follicles are:

18, 16.5, 15, 15, and 13

And then I have a few more that are 11ish.

So now comes the decision.  Will the RE have us wait a couple more days, possibly losing out on the largest follicles in an effort to see how many stragglers catch up?  Or will she have us trigger tomorrow night?  Part of me wants to be greedy because the idea of having only five follicles to work with makes me nervous.  Especially since we ended up with eight eggs last time and, well, we know how well that worked out.

After all the emotions, pain, money, and the simple fact that this is round two and possibly our last shot at this, I’d hate to have less eggs this time around.

But the way I am feeling right now, so very aware of my ovaries, I’m almost hoping tomorrow we are done.  I am not very comfortable right now.   My sister made me feel better in reminding me that follicles will keep on growing, possibly even after the HCG shot.  So that maybe by our retrieval, the stragglers will become contenders.  This is a possibility.  I might even eek out another contender or two by tomorrow since I’ve read that follicles will grow 1-3mm per day.

So there’s not much else I can do at this point but wait.  I was lucky to be able to order only two vials of Menopur for tonight, rather than an entire box.  And I have one last dose of Follistim for the morning.  Let’s hope it’s go time!

Getting closer, moving slower

This has been such a slowwww day!  I find that the days get like this the closer we get to more news or the next step.  You’d think I’d be used to this fact by now!  LOL!

Tomorrow, I am hoping will be the telling ultrasound.  I really want them to tell me it’s time to trigger for ovulation.  For one, I just don’t want to reach into my wallet to pay for more meds.  That’s probably the biggest truth.  But I also just want to get this show on the road.

The soonest I could see us having the egg retrieval is Thursday or Friday.  But it all hinges on tomorrow’s ultrasound and bloodtest.  I keep playing out the scenarios.  If it’s scheduled for Thursday, I might have to miss class, bailing on my group project.  I haven’t even explained this to my classmates yet and really didn’t feel they needed to know.  I’m really not talking about this round nearly as much as the first and want to keep it that way.

If it’s scheduled for Friday, that would be great because then I could go into the weekend and relax and not have to take any extra time off work for recovery.  And, it just makes for a nice long weekend for hubs and I. But that might mean more meds.  Ugh!  I think I’ve got enough Follistim for tomorrow and Wednesday, and maybe I could even eek out a Thursday dose, but not likely.   As for the Menopur, we’d be screwed if we don’t trigger by tomorrow night.  I have enough for one more dose tonight, leaving me with one vial left which gets me nowhere.  I’d have to buy another box at $395 a pop and wouldn’t even use it all if I needed a single, final dose.  Costly, wasteful, and annoying.

Then there’s the worst scenario of all.  That I’d need a FEW more days of meds to get us to where we need to be.  Not only would that add another $1,000 to our growing costs for medications, but it would push out our surgery even later, like maybe to Sunday.  What a pain.

I really hope it’s soon.  As to which day I’d prefer, Thursday or Friday, that’s a toss-up because they both have their benefits.  But today is only Monday, I guess I have to get through today and then tomorrow’s tests first.

Sheesh!  Even with all this on my mind…time is moving soooooo sloooooowwwww!!

Progress

I had my second ultrasound since:

1.  Being disappointed with my low response at the first check.

2.  Realizing that I may have been short-changing myself on my dose of Follistim for a few days.

3.  A lovely snowstorm hit, with the potential for doubling my commute (on a weekend mind you).

Every time I encounter a road block, I have to stop and ask myself, “how bad do you want this?”

Pretty bad.  So I push on. 

I got up on a Saturday earlier than I do on some work mornings.  I just figured with the snow we got overnight, I should get on the road at least an hour and a half early.  Luckily, it only took me right around an hour to get there, which kept my stress level down. 

But the one thing I can’t really describe is that feeling when you walk into a crowded infertility office.  It’s almost like being the new student at school, walking into the lunch room for the first time.  Everyone notices you.  As I sat down, I sorta scanned the room too.  It’s hard not to.  I wonder what everyone’s situation is, just how dire is it, how long have they been on their journey.  As we get called one by one, or shuffled to other areas of the office waiting area, I can’t help but feel like we’re all in a lottery system.  Who will be the lucky one? 

Please let it be me this time.  But I happened to notice another woman’s information folder.  The exact same one as mine that I never leave the house without.  Hers was slightly more tattered and worn out than mine, almost indicating she may have been at this for a while.  Maybe she and I can split the lottery? 

So my ultrasound ended up being better and I started to feel at ease that I my cycle wouldn’t be cancelled.  I seriously didn’t know how I’d deal with that kind of news.  It’s looking like a few of the follicles are in the 10-12mm range, and a few are right under 10mm.  This is better than all of them being less than 6mm like last time.  I also think we’ve got 10 contenders!  First ultrasound showed maybe 8.  This doesn’t mean they’ll all be winners or that they’ll all produce a viable egg, but I’m still feeling more hopeful now. 

The only issue was that I needed more meds.  I was officially out of Menopur and I had one more cartridge of Follistim at home.  My next ultrasound will be Tuesday so we carefully ordered enough meds to get me thru til then.  It’s always possible that I still won’t be quite ready on Tuesday and may need even more meds, but I seriously hope not. 

It was another $1,000 for 10 vials of Menopur and one Follistim cartridge.  I even questioned the pharmacist to make sure I heard him right.  That brings our medication total for this round up near $4,000.  No wonder I felt like IVF was more reasonable last round when our meds were only around $1,500. 

I really hope this works.  Please let Tuesday bring us good news, and hopefully determine our egg retrieval date. 

Second time around

Whoever said the second time around would be easier, oh wait, that was me…

phlebotomist got me good!

With the first IVF, everything was new and scary…and exciting, actually.  But it was filled with unknowns.  How would I feel?  Will the meds do what they are supposed to?  Would I ever be able to bring myself to give self-injections several times a day?  And, of course, will it work?

When it didn’t, I wasn’t sure I could go through it all again.

But after having some time to mourn and heal, I was feeling that same excitement and anticipation again as we approached round two.  I thought, I’ve been through this before.  Shots are nuthin’!  This will be a breeze!

I might need to retract that last statement.

I’ll admit the first few days into the shots were easy because I’ve been there, done that.  But since the focus is no longer on the fear of the shots, what I think is happening this time is that I’m noticing more.  The way I’m reacting to the medications and all the side effects.  I feel far more like a menopausal woman this time, night sweats and all.  I’m far more “foggy” than I remember last time, if I can even remember what I did yesterday.  Onecontinuousheadachethathaslastedsinceinjectionnumberone.  Fun times.

But now that a few days have passed, something weird is going on.  Almost like I’m developing a paranoia.  I’m getting too worked up when I have to do my shots, thinking too much.  Or maybe not enough, I haven’t decided.  Besides having a few strange moments here and there where I feel like I can’t bring myself to put enough pressure on the syringe to pierce the skin, I’ve now convinced myself that I haven’t been giving myself enough Follistim.

I am 99% certain.

For my entire commute into work I was trying to do the math in my head.  Ok, how many shots have I done and how many cartridges are left and how much overfill do I need to consider vs. how much medication is actually left.  If “Train A” is leaving the station at the same time as “Train B”…

I was making myself crazy.

I tried to let it go, but by lunch time I was convinced.

I think I was only getting 205 IU of Follistim instead of 225.  I think between the haste thinking this would be easy and the fog that the Lupron has given me, I inadvertantly thought the next “tick” on the pen, right after 200 was 225, when it is most certainly not.  If you keep dialing the pen, you will clearly see a 225.

I can not believe I’ve been doing this for at least 3-4 days.  Gypping myself!  This might explain how my first ultrasound was less than desireable in my eyes.  All I can hope for is that I caught the error in time to be able to save this cycle.  Between this whole Follistim snafu and the horrible time I had on my own last night trying to mix my Menopur (hubby always does that one for me but he was stuck at work late), I feel doomed.

my handywork

I guess tomorrow’s ultrasound will be telling as to how much “damage” I’ve caused myself.  We soon shall see.

Boy, I can’t wait until this is over.

Thick skin

I’m falling apart.

Either the meds or the process itself is taking its toll.  For some strange reason I’m starting to get weirded out by the injections.  All of a sudden, and I don’t understand why.  I felt like a champ halfway through our first IVF cycle.  Once I got over the first couple shots, the rest was a breeze.  So much so that I didn’t think twice about having to do it all over again.  The first few shots were fine.  Painless even.

Believe it or not, I had gotten to a point where I was like this “junkie” looking forward to coming home from work and giving myself the next dose.  Now, it’s like I have thick skin.  Like I can’t even get the needle to puncture it.  I’m getting a little freaked out by it.  Do I pinch the skin harder?  Am I pinching enough skin?  Is the needle too dull?  What. The. F!

This morning’s dose was the worst.  I almost felt out of body, like I don’t even know myself or what’s going on.  I put the Lupron needle into my skin and just as I was about to push the medicine through, I swore it seemed like too much.  How could it be too much?  I’ve done this so many times, I should be on auto-pilot by now!  I immediately pulled it out and brought it up to my face to read it.  I was right.  I had the right amount.  What is wrong with me?  So now I had to inject it for real this time.

With the Follistim, I must have hit a blood vessel because I gave myself my first bruise/welt.  I wanted to cry but I had no time because I needed to jump in the car and head to my first ultrasound to see how my ovaries are responding.  The whole time my mind was fixated on the “welt”.   I think Lupron is making me nutsy.

My ultrasound?  Not so great.  They saw 6 follicles on one ovary, all measuring under 6mm and only one on the other ovary, also measuring under 6mm.  Something just doesn’t seem right to me.  It was hard to read the nurse but I asked her if we need to adjust the medications.  She said we need to wait for the bloodwork since it’s more telling. The estrogen level will give us the full picture.

All I could think about was the decision we made to go off of a second opinion doctor’s protocol AND that I went back on the pill before this cycle. MY choice.  I could kick myself right now thinking we messed with the “good thing” we had before.

At my blood draw, I must have worried the staff.  They kept asking if I was ok, if I needed any juice, and that I had them a little worried.  I just told them, “sorry, I just don’t like to look,” but I must have looked like a zombie because I was sure feeling like one.

After leaving the lab, I called my husband to see him for a few minutes over coffee since I’m in his hospital.  They have this soothing music playing all around, which normally is quite nice to listen to.  But when you’re pumped with meds, hormones and emotions, it just makes you want to cry.  I could barely hold it in and when I saw my husband approach, I started to cry.  Right there, in the hospital, at the information desk.

I hate this.  I hate this so much.  This is the hardest thing I’ve had to go through, and I’ve changed my tune.  The second one is harder than the first.

We chatted a bit and I started to feel better. I told him that I had been working on building a thick skin for a while, just in case this didn’t work for us.  And just when I thought I’d be ok if it doesn’t, it’s days like these that make me realize just how bad I want this.  There’s no question.  My skin is just not that thick.

It’s like I’m dreaming

…on sweat-soaked sheets.

Oh how I forgot that Lupron is the “pseudo-menopause” drug.  LOL!  I felt awful today.  Headache, crampy, night sweats that made me wake up freezing, scooting over to a new part of the bed, and then repeat.  By the time my husband was up for work (much earlier than me) I was sleeping on his side of the bed.  Throw in brain fog, and I felt like I was in a dream.

I don’t know if it’s the new protocol but I can’t quite remember feeling like this the last time.  I wonder if it’s because I was so worried about the needles and the medications and if it would work, that I may have totally overlooked the side effects.  I just keep telling myself that in less than a week, the injections and side effects should be over.  I just need to muddle through this week.

It also didn’t help that today was my first day of class for my final semester before graduating with a design degree.  I felt like a zombie.  It soon became quite obvious that this was not going to be a class I would coast through.  I was really hoping to not have it interfere with work so much and that maybe I could go there once a week instead of twice.  Once we were told to get into groups, groups that we’d be working with the entire semester on a project with, I knew it would be another story.

I left there wondering how in the world was I going to juggle this.  Maybe this was a bad idea?  But it’s one last class!  Which ended up letting out later than scheduled, so now I’m trying to do this run-walk thing to my car, knowing my ovaries are bouncing around and probably not appreciating this craziness.

By the time I got to work, I had to tell myself to take a deep breath.  It will all work out, it always does.  As I approached my desk, I saw that an article from our local newspaper had been set on my chair.  It was my second-opinion doctor who gave us our new protocol!  My boss saw the article and left it for me.  Talk about incredible timing!

Strangely, I began to feel calm.  This is good.  This is all good.  Like waking up from a good dream with a whole bunch of crazy parts thrown in.

An honest report

I didn’t really document the specifics as much during my first round of IVF.  All I can say is that my protocol was:

20 IU – Lupon twice a day

375 IU – Follistim

After a few days, the Follistim was reduced to 300 and then I think again even lower.  I responded well and after a week of injections, I was ready to trigger and get ready for egg retrieval.

What I don’t remember is how I felt physically and I wish I had written more down.  I think everything was being overshadowed by the unknown, fear, and worry. 

What I can say now about round two is that in less than two days, I kinda feel crappy.  Headache that just won’t go away.  I am eating everything in sight.  And I am already feeling the factory getting pumped up down there.  Ovaries are buzzing.  Already sore, bloated, and gassy.  Although maybe I should consider my food comment  from earlier.  I also experienced my first hot flash in a store yesterday.  I was trying to pick up a birthday card, which is never my favorite thing to do but I became instantly irritated and made my husband hold the few groceries AND my coat so I could finally find a card.  I felt like a mess. 

It’s funny because I really felt like this round was going to be a piece of cake having already been down this road before.  Here is my current  protocol:

20 IU – Lupron twice a day

225 IU – Follistim

150 IU – Menopur

The Menopur is a new addition and the reduced dose of Follistim is also new.  Probably to share the spotlight with Menopur.  I will say this.  The Menopur gave me no trouble at all to administer.  It’s kind of a pain to mix up.  Not hard to do, just time consuming to get the dose ready, especially since I have to use two at once.  But no sting, no burning, nothing.  Almost to the point that made me wonder if we did it right!  But hubs is very helpful and he knows what he’s doing.  So thankful for that!

Wednesday is my first ultrasound since starting the meds.  My baseline was great.  I’ll be anxious to see how well this new protocol is working. 

That’s all I have to report.  Kinda boring, but things will start to take off by Wednesday!  Plus I start my final semester of school tomorrow, so that will provide a nice distraction too.

Here we go again…

My shipment of goodies arrived today.  Things just got real again. 

I can’t even begin to describe the journey my mind takes before starting IVF, those moments right beforehand when you make the decision on which day to start, and then when it actually starts. 

But as I wrote the other day, when it starts it really takes off. 

I had my baseline ultrasound yesterday and everything looked great.  The lining, the ovaries, no cysts.  I think they counted around 8 follicles resting and waiting to be rocked by meds. 

Right now I am also experiencing really bad cramps again and I don’t know why.  Is this how they are going to be from here on out after a failed IVF?  This is nothing like THE failed month.  We won’t even speak of those cramps again.  But I’m just not well. 

I had to take four Motrin and use a heating pad before being even remotely able to go to dinner with hubby last night.  We debated not going, but we had looked forward to it all week and I’m so glad we did.  We wanted one more nice night out before our world turns upside down again. We went to a cozy little restaurant near our home, during a nice little snow flurry (which makes the place that much cozier), and had a really great meal.  When the host led us to our table and told us we got the last one, it was one of those moments that just felt right that we were there. 

My husband and I talked and joked and laughed.  We joked about some of the silly stuff when we first started dating.  Silly stuff we used to do.  I haven’t laughed that hard in a long time.  Certainly not in the past two years of TTC. 

It was just so nice.

We watched the place clear out while I enjoyed my last glass of wine before meds begin.  We shared a dessert.  The whole night was just what we needed.  Makes me feel good about this round two.

And so today, while I was still trying to fend off cramps, the package arrived. 

The $2,700.00 package. Yikes!

It almost felt like Christmas.  It really kinda did this time.  It’s so different with round two.  Yes there’s still the fear it may not work, although I am somehow calmly not focusing on that part.  But, the fear of the needles, the medications and what they’ll do to me, how they’ll make me feel.  That part is nonexistent now.  It’s just go time.  So I did my first shot for the day, just a simple dose of Lupron.  It’s like nuthin’. Like riding a bike.

I still can’t really say I enjoy being a pincushion, but if that’s what it takes…that’s what I’ll do.