Kick me

Do I have a sign on my back that says “kick me” or something?  I often struggle with the whole world looking down their noses at administrative assistants and for the most part, it’s probably all in my head.  But today. . . oh today is not one of those days.   I think some people just love treating admin like shit because it gives them some sort of power rush. 

Luckily this power-hungry, blood-thirsty viper does not work here. 

Is this how people get to where they are in life?  Is this how they climb ladders?  By kicking others down and climbing over them?  I guess for some, it is. 

All I was trying to do was connect two parties, per my boss.  I was asked to contact this other woman because she and a colleague was supposed to meet with my boss and a colleague.  Unfortunately I didn’t have a whole lot of background on how this evolved. 

I tried emailing this woman first as it’s the easiest and less-intrusive method to reaching out to someone you don’t know.  It’s also easier to get your thoughts down rather than bumble through on the phone.  After two attempts to email were ignored, I finally had to call.

You would have thought that I pulled the drape back to expose the true Wizard of Oz or something.  Like how in the world did you get past my curtain?  Attitude oozing like why are you calling me and wasting my time?  I explained myself as best I could with the limited info that I was armed with.  It got me nowhere.  Other than I would need to contact her colleague who is in a completely different department and work this out with him.   Totally rude.

I decided to share with my boss just how rude this woman was.  My boss said she would email her to explain what we were trying to plan.  Sounds fair enough, except that it must have been like throwing gasoline on the fire. 

This woman was ridiculous.  Rude right from the get- go.  Asking to get the contact info for my boss’s colleague so that her colleague could connect with him directly.  I told her it was my understanding that the four of them were to meet, but if that is not the case that’s fine.  

“Do you have my email?”

Silence as I looked.

“Well, do you?”

Me:  “Yes, I was looking and yes, I have it.”

I emailed her quickly since she obviously was last in line when patience was being given out. 

It was a simple message stating that it would be best to work through his executive assistant and that she’s already aware that this, to some extent, was in the works and may still have some dates held on his calendar. 

She calls me back and pretty much chews my head off telling me the message I sent her was completely condescending and she can’t pass it on to her colleague.  This is between the two of them and they are higher-ups, so let them make the connection.  He shouldn’t have to go through an assistant.  I don’t think you have the entire picture, this whole thing was a favor, yada yada . . .

I don’t remember the rest because the blood in my ears was boiling over to the point that I couldn’t hear. 

I calmly told her I was saving you the run-around because if he doesn’t answer the call or misses the call, you will end up talking to his assistant who handles all his scheduling anyway.  

She insisted I give the direct number.  And again, during a pause that must have lasted slightly longer than a nanosecond she asks, “Are you going to give me the number?”

Me: “Yes, I am looking it up for you.”  After I gave her the digits, she may or may not have mustered up a thank you, although I doubt it. 

Me: “mmm-hmm”.  Slam phone.

Are you kidding me?  I don’t have a condescending bone in my body.  I avoid conflict like the plague.  You have to really rile me up to get the type of reaction that would have warranted her to treat me the way she did.  It just wasn’t happenin’. 

Oh, I just love my job. 

Is fall semester here yet? . . .

Tests

It’s like my life’s been a series of tests lately.  Tests of patience.  Tests for grades.  Tests to see how brave I can be.  Life has truly been testing me, and for the most part, I seem to be passing.  But there’s just one last test that is swirling around, wanting to consume me, and I can’t seem to figure it out. 

Tests you pee on.

This whole trying to conceive thing is for the birds.  Testing, charting, temping, it’s enough to make your head spin.   It’s only our third cycle and I think we’ve already managed to mess things up this month.  I haven’t gone overboard yet but I did decide to get some of those ovulation predictor kits, similar to home pregnancy tests and equally as frustrating.  I bought these because for some strange reason my period decides to show up early now.  The past two months have been 24 day cycles, which in turn, probably changes my ovulation day as well.  Determining when that day is is anyone’s guess.  I might as well throw a dart against the calendar and see where it sticks. 

I followed the instructions and started testing on day 7, exactly one week after my period started.  Two lines.  Which one’s which?  What am I looking for?  Is my line as dark as the test line?  It’s kinda dark, but kinda not.  AND I think it’s way too early for ovulation to begin with. 

Wouldn’t you know over the next three days my line went from subjectively almost there to virtually nonexistent?  So instead of it getting darker, which is what I was expecting, it faded away. 

So that’s it?  I’m done?  I had my silly surge thingy and we missed our window while Aunt Flo was packing her bags and heading out?  Are you FREAKING kidding me?   How do you have a period AND ovulate around the same time? 

I’m hoping this is just operator error here and perhaps within the next few days my line returns and gets darker the way it’s supposed to.  I almost think we are better off without all these gadgets.  They just make you crazy.  I’m probably two more cycles away from having a thermometer placed under my pillow to chart my waking temps and a journal on my nightstand to document each and every twinge that can later be determined as GAS! 

Deep breath.  It’s just another test that we WILL get through.

Well . . .

The meeting with my boss went well.  Amazingly well. 

She basically wanted to meet one on one with each of her staff to go over professional development and when she said she would leave most of the talking to me, I just went for it.  I told her “well, I have a lot to say.”  I started by explaining that I have some big news and some big ideas that have been weighing on me for quite some time.  Now it’s to the point that I’m bursting at the seams and while this is all exciting for me, I’m also equally fearful. 

She immediately wanted to get something to write on.  I guess with an opening statement like that, huh?. . .

I started to explain my thoughts of how it all started with approaching my 35th birthday, I did a lot of reflection on my life.  I never tried for a career path and I still don’t have children. 

Yeah . . . as we talked, I stumbled and bumbled a little in the beginning, and even borderline felt bad like I was about to quit my job.  But as I explained further, it started to flow better.  I told her that I started by going back to school to try things out and I had a strong interest in interior design.  I think the defining moment in that decision came when my husband and I built our house.  So I took an intro course and LOVED it.  Then told her I decided to jump into some AutoCAD classes because they scared me, but are absolutely necessary and how this math-challenged, non-engineering brain of mine would probably reject these classes.  Told her I ended up acing my first semester and well on my way to a repeat performance this semester and how my instructors seem absolutely impressed with my work.  That I have this knack. 

I went on to explain while interior design has pretty much NOTHING to do with my current job, the instructors have been drilling into us about how important becoming LEED certified is.  I told her this was my light bulb, my ah-ha moment, the way to connect my schooling with my current job, but hopefully in a new role.  She was surprised and said she didn’t see this idea coming at all but found it very interesting and as I went on to explain more, she really liked it. 

That’s when it happened and my fear of her reaction was completely unnecessary.  She told me that she would never stand in my way from bettering myself and advancing my career.  She would even help me get to the next steps in any way she could.  It was the hugest relief ever.   I explained how being a really good administrative assistant can sometimes be a blessing and a curse.  You feel stuck and as if it’s really hard to advance because everyone really needs you and relies on you.  She completely understood. 

And it didn’t stop there. 

I explained the importance of finishing the program, in fear they may shut it down and how the classes are probably switching to the daytime.  She also said she would let me work my schedule around my classes!   I don’t have to fight with the school anymore!  This is amazing! 

We also discussed down the road if I planned on having children and she agreed that my current position would be tough to juggle on anything less than full time status.  The ideas I presented could possibly turn into something more flexible when that time comes. 

I told her these last several months have been agonizing for me.  The decisions, the ups and downs, the secrecy, the fear of my ideas jeopardizing my current job.  Then the biggie of throwing pregnancy and kids into the mix.  She completely agreed that trying for everything at once was the way to go, because you never know.  I told her I may have trouble getting pregnant and I wasn’t about to put my school and career ideas on hold for years, and vice versa. 

So it was an amazing meeting and I couldn’t be happier and more relieved.  Weird part was I slept worse last night than I did the night before when I was worrying about the meeting!  I guess my mind was all jazzed up with positive thinking for a change.

Something it’s not used to . . . but will have to get used to.

Big day

I’m going to be strong today.

I’m going to be good today.

I’m going to be LATE today…WTF?! 

I COMPLETELY overslept this morning.  I couldn’t even remember the last time I’ve done that.   Do I hit the snooze button?  You bet.  Do I hit it more than I should?  Probably.  Have I been known to move the clock from the nightstand to my husband’s pillow after he leaves to be able to hit snooze with ninja-like reflexes without opening an eye?

Yeah, yeah.  Guilty as charged.  All that. 

But today?  Not today.  Today is the BIG day, the BIG meeting, the meeting where I spill all my school secrets to my boss, and after the initial shock wears off, I will follow-up with presenting all my grand ideas to her. 

Why today?  Ugh! 

Other than my chaotic morning, and getting here only 20 minutes late, which is not bad considering my drive alone takes me 40 minutes, I feel pretty good.  I’ve talked to just enough people around here to really get me pumped for this.  The latest person was another person in my department yesterday.  When I started telling her my ideas, her THRILLED reaction would be putting it lightly.  That made me feel good. 

I really don’t have anything scripted yet.  I think just laying it all out there genuinely, passionately, and honestly is the way to go.  Fumbling around reading off of notes won’t help my cause.  I’m already an easily flustered person to begin with.  Mainly when I’m uncomfortable.  But when I get talking about art and design and my ideas, the passion is unmistakable.   I might jot down some thoughts that I don’t want to forget once I get going, but maybe ad-lib isn’t so bad afterall?  Every person I talked to I ad-libbed.  And they got it.  They got me. 

All I hope for now is my boss to get me.  Or at least partly agree with me and to mentor me for what can be a rewarding journey. 

A real career.

2 plans and a 2 year notice

Well, the timing of Administrative Professionals Day is a little uncanny when I have to drop a huge bomb the next day.  Man, do I have the luck or what?   Admin day is tomorrow and I usually don’t pay any attention to it.  I often forget when it is.  Today my coworkers surprised me with a card and a gift card, and many thanks for all I do, even joking that much of it isn’t always fun for me.  It was a nice surprise and much appreciated. 

Too bad in two days I announce that I’m working towards becoming an interior designer.  Are there any cards for that?   Maybe something in a hip color or pattern that matches just about any decor?  LOL!  I guess not. 

Part of me wants to reschedule this meeting with my boss, but the other part of me is just dying to finally be rid of this secret, second life I’ve been leading.  To be able to share my goals and ideas and finally grow as a professional, even if that doesn’t mean it will happen at this current job.  The last thing I want to do is wait until I’m almost done with the program and announce that I need to take an internship and here’s my two weeks. 

My mom is super worried about me announcing anything right now but I’ve given it a lot of thought and it’s not like I’m giving a two week notice.  I’m giving a TWO YEAR notice.  That’s how long my schooling will probably take.  Maybe more. 

It’s like I have two plans.  I’ve always told myself there may not be a design job to be had at the end of my schooling so I need to consider the job I currently have.  I’ve also told myself there might be a baby that needs all of my attention instead.  But I can’t wait around for the what-ifs of either plan.  That’s what this past year or so has been about, finally breaking free of those fears and trying for both.    

I don’t necessarily want to leave this organization, but I can’t assume I’m going to somehow dig myself out of the administrative trenches either.  It’s sort of a curse really.  When an administrative assistant does a bang-up job, it’s really hard to try to get into anything else.  Everyone really NEEDS you for what you were originally hired for because “you’re so good at it”.  But, I have to do this for me, find a way to parlay school into my current job.  I think I have some great ideas and in just a couple days from now, we’ll see how well it’s received. 

I’m hoping it will be a relief.  I’m hoping it will be quite apparent to my boss and others that this is what I was MEANT to be doing with my life and I’ll still do the best job I can here, I just need a slightly flexible schedule to accommodate a class or two.  Who knows what will happen?  I just need to get it all out there or I think I’m going to burst.

What the heck am I going to do?

Now that the stress of waiting to see if we’re pregnant is over, (we’re not),  I can redirect the stress to about 90 other things.  This is going to be one hell of a week, I know this already.  And I will be asking myself “what the heck am I going to do?” pretty much every day. 

Today the fall semester schedule is up and students are already signing up for classes.  The fight we put up to see some of the classes get moved to the evening doesn’t seem to be going anywhere.  It’s not entirely over, but it’s not looking good, and I can’t wait.  I might sign up for a few that I’m considering just to hold a spot for myself.  What to take?  I can only handle two classes while working and the ones I need are offered all over the place.  There is no way I can take one class late morning on Mondays and Wednesdays and then take another one late afternoon on those same days.  Or take another one mid-day on Tuesdays and Thursdays.  They really don’t make it easy for ANY student’s work schedule, do they?  

Right now I’m thinking about taking one Mon/Wed class from 10:00-12:15 and then heading to work.  There’s not much else I can take without missing work, as far as design classes go.  I’m kinda stuck.  In order to keep moving with the program, I can take this one marketing class I need on Wednesday evenings.  Yay!  An evening class, I don’t believe it.  So not too terrible.  I’d start work late on only two days.  But, in order to make up my hours, this non-morning person will have to come in early the other three days, and also stay later, and quite possibly shorten a few lunch hours to make this work.  This doesn’t even count the two lunch hours that will be spent driving back to work while eating a sandwich in my car or something. 

But, I guess if you want something bad enough, this is what you do.  I want this so badly that I’d much rather take another design class in lieu of the marketing, but I have to be responsible with working right now.  I wish there was another way but there isn’t. I have to work and I have a good job at the moment. 

Then there’s telling the boss.  Crickets chirping . . .

I wasn’t ready for this.  My original plan was in October during my review but since the school didn’t cooperate with evening classes, I need to lay it all out there now.  Not looking forward to this at all. I have to dig deep to find things like confidence, assertiveness, poise.  I don’t even have these words in my own vocabulary, let alone in my actions.  Get ready for some sleepless nights this week. 

I have some ideas on how to present this, but they are stuck in my head and I need to get them down on paper.  There’s a fine line between coming across as hating your job and wanting to quit or explaining that you don’t plan to go anywhere for a while but that you’d like an opportunity to step out of your current role. 

I hope I find the right words. 

Then this week brings me to some nonsensical stuff to stress over.  Ever since the doctor pretty much cut my entire toenail off, I haven’t been working out.  My goal to lose some weight before getting pregnant is on hiatus and it’s backfiring.  A couple pounds are creeping back on.  This was not only something I wanted to be healthy for a baby, but healthy for me and a boost to my confidence.  Something I need a lot more of right now.  

So today I packed my gym bag and will set foot (along with my gimpy toe) back into the gym.  I think some endorphins will help my brain come up with the ideas needed to make this week even slightly less stressful.  I can’t say that I’ll be sleeping much this week, but I need to be strong in so many ways. 

Wish me luck . . .

Month #2

No dice. 

Second month in a row where I was paid a monthly visit, early.  At this rate, I’ll start getting visits TWICE a month!  Hell, if this keeps up, maybe the cycles will just bump up against one another creating more period days than non-period!  LOL!!   Two consecutive 24-day cycles.  I just don’t get it. 

Frustrating, yes.  But . . . not yet devastating. 

I think it’s still too early, we’ve only just started trying.  But I am starting to understand how upsetting this whole thing could get for couples.  I keep going back and forth between being ready.  Every other day it seems something major happens with school or work and then within the blink of an eye, I hate the frustrations of both issues and would rather just be pregnant already.   Sometimes I truly think it would just trump everything.  I know it would.  And not just because people say so.   It would be the single most important thing that would ever happen to me. 

So I guess I’ll kick back with a glass of wine and curl up on the couch with hubby to watch a movie tonight.  Maybe next week I’ll get some sushi or any other ify thing you can’t enjoy while pregnant.  I’ll keep myself busy with work, school, working out.  I have to start preparing for my pleading my case at work.   Where I explain how to make school work for work and how work will work school into my schedule.  Do you follow?  LOL!  I basically have to tell work about school because school doesn’t seem to offer a flexible schedule anymore.  We’ll see.

Oh well.  We may not have created any children this month, but tonight, with this nonsense post, I thought I’d share that we ate like children.

Gourmet!

We had leftover smiley fries and dinosaur shaped chicken nuggets in the freezer from the last time my nephew and niece were over.  

Umm, yeah.  Ridiculous!  But hey, I have my period, I don’t feel like cooking.  LOL! 

But, I did make my homemade honey mustard dip.  Yum! 

Does that count for anything?

Two steps ahead, one foot back

Warning this post may be TMI at times.

If there were ever a day I wanted to start over, this would be one of them.  It started off with a return call from one of my instructors about the brewing situation at school with the fight to have evening classes reinstated in our program.  It’s really a sticky situation.  The instructors really shouldn’t be telling us much, but are trying to help us.  But, on the flip side, if they said nothing, most students would push to find answers. 

I started drafting a letter to the president of the school, but I am now somewhat reluctant.  The last thing I want to see happen is someone to lose their job over this.  Who knows what the powers that be can do, especially if they aren’t keen on this department anyway. 

The other issue I have is there are other students in the same boat with me, who are far more vocal than me.  This is fine except you need a certain level of tact and I think it’s lacking.  And now I’m starting to want to distance myself from that ruckus.  Don’t get me wrong, I want to see evening classes back on the schedule, but I’m not about to blacklist myself and get on people’s bad sides either.

So I’m really torn.  I want to write this letter, but I have to be super careful about this.  These other students are calling all over to anyone who will listen, left and right, and probably relaying more info than they should be.  That’s why I want out of this mess.  I need to work on plan B, for me.  If that means bending my schedule, I’ll present a plan at work and give it a shot.  It’s all I can do at this point. 

I’m really stuck between a rock and a hard place.

So as if I didn’t have enough on my mind, I find out our checking account was overdrawn by like $4.  Great.  Four measly dollars = $26 in fees leading to a mess.  Luckily both my husband and I get paid tomorrow and we shouldn’t see a domino effect.  When he sent me the text warning me, I felt so helpless.  I couldn’t go online to scope it out.  I was heading to a doctor’s appointment. 

So as if my day couldn’t get ANY worse, I really want my foot back.  I think a long time ago, I had injured my big toe, then got lazy with toenail polish and didn’t remove it much to let them breathe.  I was so embarrassed to learn that this may have contributed to a nail fungus.  I have been trying so hard to kick this with meds and other methods to no avail. 

When my nail started to dig into my skin like an ingrown nail recently, I finally called a specialist and had an appointment today.  We discussed trying a laser treatment and he said he would trim the nail back first. 

It hurt like an MF’er.

And when he was finished and left the room, I looked down at my bloody, stumpy toe with hardly any nail on it and wanted to throw up. 

And then I wanted to cry. 

I could feel the tears welling up.  Do you know how long it takes for a toenail to grow?  Why did I wait until right before sandal season to finally do this? 

It looks like he took a chainsaw to it.

No.

It looks like my foot was caught in a machine.

No.

It looks like my toe was mauled by some wild animal. 

I couldn’t believe what I was seeing.

Paint whatever visual you want, because I won’t post a pic.  I won’t do that to my readers!   And I suppose “paint” is a bad term because I won’t be doing that to my toes any time soon, either. 

I got in the car and bawled my eyes out.   This has already been one hell of a day.  There is just so much going on.  Every time I try to move forward in life, I have to take a step back. 

And now with a sore toe.

It’s on!

Well the other squeaky wheel (aka another non-trad student) in this fight with me for evening classes is at jury duty all week.  What sucks is that I can’t reach her right now to tell her it’s not looking good for the home team. 

We’ve been told to hold tight.  We’ve been told they will work with us.  We’ve been told to not give up. 

Well, it’s all a bunch of bullshit now. 

I’ve been checking the fall schedule online for the past couple weeks now and nothing has changed.  The classes we were assured of to be adjusted to the evening are still untouched. 

So I finally started to do something about it.  I’m not going to sit back and wait anymore.  I’ve invested a ton of time and a fair amount of money into this not to just say ‘oh well’.   I’m half tempted to ask for my money back, but I know that won’t fly. 

Today I decided to call the Dean of Students.  No one’s been able to reach her or get a call back.  I was rehearsing my voicemail message I planned to leave as she answered her phone.  I totally wasn’t expecting that.  I explained that I am a student with a few concerns about the fall schedule.  Her tone was not enthused.  When I went further in telling her I’m a student in the interior design department, her tone completely changed to super nice.  Thanking me for calling but she needed to refer me to the Assistant Dean who handles the scheduling.  She said she doesn’t make those decisions but that the Assistant would be “happy” to talk to me. 

Really?  She’ll be happy?  Because so far, she’s yet to call anyone back. 

So I call the Assistant Dean and of course she’s in a meeting and unable to talk to me.  Her assistant asked if she could help.  I said, “sure, let’s try.”

I explained that a few students went through the proper channels and were told there would be a couple changes to the fall schedule, yet the updates have not yet been reflected.  She tells me the Dean did not approve those changes.  I said “but we were told the changes were in motion.”  She tells me we shouldn’t have been told that.  I said, “but this was announced to us AFTER the big pow-wow meeting with everyone and the changes were a result of that.”

Now I’m furious.  She said the Dean did not approve.  I said, “oh really?  The Dean I just talked to did not approve the changes?  The same Dean that told me to call the Assistant Dean’s office and the reason I’m talking to you right now?” 

She was kinda surprised by that.  Then, and only then, she proceeds to get my info for a return call. 

I’m not holding my breath over here for that call. 

I’m about to write a letter to the president of the college, not just the campus, but the college.   And all those people who told us to hang tight, don’t give up, and we’re working on it are going to be copied on it. 

Thanks for letting me vent.  I needed to get this all out so I can now write a cordial version to the president.

It’s so on.

Back to baby and just plain tired

Over the weekend we went out with a group of neighbors.  One who I’ve been chatting with about getting pregnant, just announced they are at around 8 weeks along.  It is their second child.  Naturally they are excited and nervous and I’m happy for them.  But it just makes me think about trying harder. 

But I am tired.  Just. Plain. Tired.

I’ve been pushing and pushing with school and feeling like what’s the point if they yank the classes I need.   They say they will adjust a couple classes back to the evening time slot, but until I see it online with my own eyes, I’m just tired.  Tired of the waiting. 

I’m tired of coming in to work with the same routine of feeling dumped on.  Wondering if I’ll ever get an opportunity to grow into something else around here.  Every morning I drag myself out of bed, trying to find the bright side, trying to stay positive because I have some major ideas I need to disclose soon.  But it’s all still pending and all so tiring. 

Tired of plugging numbers and counting days and feeling twinges that seem out of the ordinary, knowing that it’s all probably in my head and from going off the pill.  Because my cycle got all screwed up last month.  How do I figure out when I ovulate?  Will I go back to my normal 28 days?  Or will it be another short cycle for me?  When should I start looking and preparing for my period?  So tiring that it could easily become exhausting, if you let it. 

I’ve been waffling back and forth between both school and baby, wondering which should come first and which takes a back seat, or can I do both.  Wondering how it would be to have a Christmas baby, because now that my cycle is messed up, our due date should things happen for us this month, would be December 25.  Which sounds stupid to even be up for debate because ask me again around this time next year and I think my answer would be quite different.  We’ll take whatever due date we can get. 

But right now, I feel like neither milestone is happening.  With school in limbo, with a wait and see approach to every semester, and my menstrual cycle with a mind of its own, it’s all so very tiring.  Limbo is tiring. 

I took a nap again this past weekend, which is so highly unusual for me.  I’m someone who rarely naps.  Why am I so tired?  When I foolishly look it up online, you know the first thing that is suggested?

Pregnancy. 

We’ll see.