Picking up the kids

Well,  our transfer was today!  It was time to pick up the kids!

Hubby and I both took the whole day off even though our appointment wasn’t until the afternoon.  It was just better that way.  I was still able to go to my class in the morning while he waited for me and read a book.  The hospital was literally two exits away from the school so there was enough time after class to get lunch and for me to start chugging my water for the procedure. 

After getting to the hospital and signing in, it seemed so routine.  Been there, done that.  We were pros. 

The doctor talked to us a little bit about our embryos. I just couldn’t wait to hear more and see them after hearing our last report.  We were told that two were really good, one of them beautiful.  Even the severely fragmented one deserves a chance. 

They gave us a print out but it was a little dark and hard to see so they said they would get us a better print.  It wasn’t until I saw them on the monitor before the transfer that I started to cry.  I cried last time, too.  But this was different.  I could just see that they were better than last time.  It’s the most amazing thing to see.  I tried to control my shaking abdomen so they could proceed but they said not to worry, it was fine. 

Then as the embryos got sucked up into the little catheter tube, the nurses said in unison, “there they go!”  I was laughing and crying at the same time.  I don’t know how my doctor was able to place the little guys with all my shaking. 

After the procedure, they had us relax in one of the rooms for a little while.  It didn’t help that hubs was still making me laugh, saying that the embryos are adjusting to their home with everything still in boxes.  I couldn’t stop laughing.  But it made me feel good.  I feel so much better this time. 

Not only did we find it a good sign that we actually got lucky and had our own RE today for the transfer, but then later on I talked to my mom who pointed out that the embryos were conceived this past Saturday, which happens to be my grandpa’s birthday.  We still miss him.  I told my mom that I’ve been so mixed up on my days lately that I didn’t know.  And she said, “That’s ok.  He did.” 

I love stuff like that.

Breathe

Popping on with a quick update.

Got the call this morning (around 90 minutes later than the first one).  It felt like I held my breath as I answered the phone.

Our three are hanging in there!  All three are dividing.  One has NO fragmentation!  The second one has just a little bit and the third has significant fragmentation, but that doesn’t always mean the end of the road.  They have them all in something called co-culture environment which supposedly can help improve the quality.  I couldn’t help but think of them as siblings being put in one space hoping they’d behave. 

The news literally took my breath away.  I felt shaky, happy, nervous, and about 1,000 other emotions rolled into one.   I remember this feeling from last time, but it was after my first fertilzation report, and then the second one was the not so good report.  All I kept telling myself as I waited for this call was this cycle was going to be the opposite.  The first call would be not ideal and the second one would be better.  It just had to be.

So tomorrow’s the transfer.  We are transferring the three as long as things haven’t drastically changed overnight.

I wish I could have recorded the conversation with my husband.  Just the tone in his voice and the sigh of relief I could hear from him was priceless.  I keep playing it over in my head.

Tomorrow.  Deep breath.

Waiting

The waiting is just brutal. 

After a day filled with being lazy on the couch, watching old movies like “Pollyanna” and crying, talking to my mom and crying some more, my mind couldn’t take it anymore. 

But it couldn’t decide what it wanted.  I started  thinking about how this is not the life I wanted for myself.  Hubby and I doing our own thing, feeling bored every weekend, watching tv, surfing the net, being lazy and unfulfilled while all the families are doing things with their kids.  That probably upset me the most.  I cried to my mom that I just can’t live like this and that this whole IVF thing has made me regret most of my life leading up to it.

When I couldn’t take it anymore, I started to clean the mess that had piled up around me lately.  Then I took on the annoying task of cleaning our master bath and scrubbing the shower.  For some reason, it made me think of SATC as I scrubbed with the same vigor as Charlotte did during her struggles with infertility and the fact that her dog got knocked up.  Oh how those episodes resonate with me. 

I started to think about plans again.  The ones that don’t involve children.  As I applied more and more elbow grease to the shower, I started thinking more and more about things I need to do.  If this doesn’t work, I’m training for another half marathon and hopefully a full marathon.   I’m finishing up school and will possibly look into some rewarding side jobs that use my creativity.  We’ll pay off our bills once and for all.  We’ll plan an amazing vacation that rivals our honeymoon. 

But now that the bathroom is clean and it’s a new day, I find myself waiting.  Almost paralyzed waiting for our second fertilization report.  I slept in and told work I’d be in after I get my call, just in case it’s difficult I’d rather be in the privacy of my home.  I’m trying to keep busy.  My mind has just done a 180 and is back to thinking about how all  I ever wanted back in the day was to be a stay at home mom, who worked on side jobs and creative things.  I think I still want that more. 

Waiting.

Half

Twice the effort.

Twice the emotions.

Twice the pain.

And probably almost twice the money.

We have 3 embryos.  For now.

We started with 7 eggs.  Of the seven, 5 were mature.  I think they either tried something else or are in the middle of trying something else with those 2 unripe ones, but I don’t think they took. 

Of the five, 3 have fertilized. 

In many situations, three is great!  But in our situation, this is HALF of where we were the last time.   We got that first call telling us we had 6, followed by the second call telling us they were all fragmented. 

How can I remain positive when there’s only three this time?  What if they are fragmented again.  I had hoped with 6, there was a chance to have some to freeze.  It’s highly doubtful we will with three. 

How can it be like this?  We put so much into this round.  Less stress, better thoughts, more research, more opinions, more money.  Statistically, I thought it gets better with each round. 

Half.  I can’t even describe what it feels like to watch your odds decrease by the hour.  I think I’m going to be sick waiting for tomorrow’s call.

Crappy

It’s been about 12 hours since my egg retrieval and I’ve felt so crappy today that I’m just now feeling up to writing about it.  I think I’m going to keep this short (and not so sweet) because I don’t have much energy.

Anxious (even the second time around).

Sore (as to be expected).

Naps (as in several).

Vomit (that’s a new one).

Pain (all too familiar).

Disappointment (only 7 eggs this time).

Tomorrow morning we get our first fertilization report and all I can hope for from our lucky seven is that they were all mature and have fertilized.  We don’t have much room for error and to lose any along the way.  If we do, our odds are going to come crashing down. 

As will my hope. 

Strong (doing my best).

Feel the burn

Well.  HCG has been administered. We made it to the end of the injection road. 

As I sit here feeling the slight burn from the shot, it makes me feel good.  I finally feel a little calmer now.  This has been one hell of a week.   After going for ultrasounds three days in a row, it got to the point that everyone knew who I was!

Today’s ultrasound went really well.  The extra day of stims and their hefty price tag did what they were supposed to.   The 18s became 20s, the 16s became 18s and even some of the 11s became 13s.  Over the next day and a half, I can only hope things continue to get better before retrieval.

The nurse called to confirm that my surgery is Saturday and I was thrilled to learn I am the first one of the day.   Great news when it comes to fasting.  Then she told me even more great news.  We happen to really like the particular RE who’s on that day.  When it can’t be your own RE, it’s nice to feel comfortable with the on-call doc.  She joked that this RE can find eggs we didn’t know were even there.   I laughed and said, “perfect!” 

So I guess it’s go time.   These next few days are the most difficult to describe and endure.  But we’re ready.

The finish line just moved

If I only had a money tree…

Got the call today that the RE wants ONE more day of meds.  Too bad I’m all out.  Well, with the exception of maybe 75IU left in my Follistim pen.

I had wrapped my head around taking Friday off for surgery, as did my husband.  I was ready to get this going.  Every day drags on for an eternity.  I was so set to do the HCG trigger shot tonight and fumble my way through school and work tomorrow to get to Friday.

During my ultrasound today, it felt like we were close.  Real close.  But there was that margin of doubt that maybe not close enough.  As I listened to the follicle size numbers being rattled off, I felt like I was either in a bingo hall or playing the lottery.

19.   Yes!

16.  Damn.

18.9.   Yes!  Another good one!

13.  No!  Grr!

18.    Bingo! 

All in all, I had four that were in the 18+ range, which is great.  Then I still had a few in the 13-16mm range.  And even a couple more in the 10ish range.  Compared to last time, I had only 3 in the 18+ range (with a few more stragglers) when I triggered, so the nurse thought there was a chance they’d have me trigger tonight.

Nope.  They decided on one more day.

What’s one more day?  About $500.  Let me go shake that money tree I have in the back yard.

The nurse told me that she thought the pharmacy sold Follistim in smaller sizes than the 300IU cartridge but that I’d have to draw it out with a syringe and split up the dose between what’s left in my pen and I said I didn’t care.  Anything to save me money.  When the pharmacy called me back, they said they no longer make them that way.

Of course they don’t.  So wasteful, buying more than I need.  I about cried when I rattled off my credit card number for the third time in one week.  Heck, the card was still warm from the last transaction!

I get it.  I do.  We’ve come this far and they (and we) want the best chance possible to get a baby out of all of this.  If another $500 produces another egg or two, it will be worth it.  And if it works, it will all be money well spent - the entire grand total of BOTH cycles.

When I relayed the latest news to my husband, he referenced our recent trip to Vegas.  He said not to worry about it and that “we can say that we went all in.”  Love that guy.

Inching even closer

I am very aware of my ovaries today.  And I don’t know what hurts more, my ovaries or my wallet.

Had our next ultrasound today and we are getting closer to knowing for sure when the egg retrieval will be.   The lead follicles are:

18, 16.5, 15, 15, and 13

And then I have a few more that are 11ish.

So now comes the decision.  Will the RE have us wait a couple more days, possibly losing out on the largest follicles in an effort to see how many stragglers catch up?  Or will she have us trigger tomorrow night?  Part of me wants to be greedy because the idea of having only five follicles to work with makes me nervous.  Especially since we ended up with eight eggs last time and, well, we know how well that worked out.

After all the emotions, pain, money, and the simple fact that this is round two and possibly our last shot at this, I’d hate to have less eggs this time around.

But the way I am feeling right now, so very aware of my ovaries, I’m almost hoping tomorrow we are done.  I am not very comfortable right now.   My sister made me feel better in reminding me that follicles will keep on growing, possibly even after the HCG shot.  So that maybe by our retrieval, the stragglers will become contenders.  This is a possibility.  I might even eek out another contender or two by tomorrow since I’ve read that follicles will grow 1-3mm per day.

So there’s not much else I can do at this point but wait.  I was lucky to be able to order only two vials of Menopur for tonight, rather than an entire box.  And I have one last dose of Follistim for the morning.  Let’s hope it’s go time!

Getting closer, moving slower

This has been such a slowwww day!  I find that the days get like this the closer we get to more news or the next step.  You’d think I’d be used to this fact by now!  LOL!

Tomorrow, I am hoping will be the telling ultrasound.  I really want them to tell me it’s time to trigger for ovulation.  For one, I just don’t want to reach into my wallet to pay for more meds.  That’s probably the biggest truth.  But I also just want to get this show on the road.

The soonest I could see us having the egg retrieval is Thursday or Friday.  But it all hinges on tomorrow’s ultrasound and bloodtest.  I keep playing out the scenarios.  If it’s scheduled for Thursday, I might have to miss class, bailing on my group project.  I haven’t even explained this to my classmates yet and really didn’t feel they needed to know.  I’m really not talking about this round nearly as much as the first and want to keep it that way.

If it’s scheduled for Friday, that would be great because then I could go into the weekend and relax and not have to take any extra time off work for recovery.  And, it just makes for a nice long weekend for hubs and I. But that might mean more meds.  Ugh!  I think I’ve got enough Follistim for tomorrow and Wednesday, and maybe I could even eek out a Thursday dose, but not likely.   As for the Menopur, we’d be screwed if we don’t trigger by tomorrow night.  I have enough for one more dose tonight, leaving me with one vial left which gets me nowhere.  I’d have to buy another box at $395 a pop and wouldn’t even use it all if I needed a single, final dose.  Costly, wasteful, and annoying.

Then there’s the worst scenario of all.  That I’d need a FEW more days of meds to get us to where we need to be.  Not only would that add another $1,000 to our growing costs for medications, but it would push out our surgery even later, like maybe to Sunday.  What a pain.

I really hope it’s soon.  As to which day I’d prefer, Thursday or Friday, that’s a toss-up because they both have their benefits.  But today is only Monday, I guess I have to get through today and then tomorrow’s tests first.

Sheesh!  Even with all this on my mind…time is moving soooooo sloooooowwwww!!

Progress

I had my second ultrasound since:

1.  Being disappointed with my low response at the first check.

2.  Realizing that I may have been short-changing myself on my dose of Follistim for a few days.

3.  A lovely snowstorm hit, with the potential for doubling my commute (on a weekend mind you).

Every time I encounter a road block, I have to stop and ask myself, “how bad do you want this?”

Pretty bad.  So I push on. 

I got up on a Saturday earlier than I do on some work mornings.  I just figured with the snow we got overnight, I should get on the road at least an hour and a half early.  Luckily, it only took me right around an hour to get there, which kept my stress level down. 

But the one thing I can’t really describe is that feeling when you walk into a crowded infertility office.  It’s almost like being the new student at school, walking into the lunch room for the first time.  Everyone notices you.  As I sat down, I sorta scanned the room too.  It’s hard not to.  I wonder what everyone’s situation is, just how dire is it, how long have they been on their journey.  As we get called one by one, or shuffled to other areas of the office waiting area, I can’t help but feel like we’re all in a lottery system.  Who will be the lucky one? 

Please let it be me this time.  But I happened to notice another woman’s information folder.  The exact same one as mine that I never leave the house without.  Hers was slightly more tattered and worn out than mine, almost indicating she may have been at this for a while.  Maybe she and I can split the lottery? 

So my ultrasound ended up being better and I started to feel at ease that I my cycle wouldn’t be cancelled.  I seriously didn’t know how I’d deal with that kind of news.  It’s looking like a few of the follicles are in the 10-12mm range, and a few are right under 10mm.  This is better than all of them being less than 6mm like last time.  I also think we’ve got 10 contenders!  First ultrasound showed maybe 8.  This doesn’t mean they’ll all be winners or that they’ll all produce a viable egg, but I’m still feeling more hopeful now. 

The only issue was that I needed more meds.  I was officially out of Menopur and I had one more cartridge of Follistim at home.  My next ultrasound will be Tuesday so we carefully ordered enough meds to get me thru til then.  It’s always possible that I still won’t be quite ready on Tuesday and may need even more meds, but I seriously hope not. 

It was another $1,000 for 10 vials of Menopur and one Follistim cartridge.  I even questioned the pharmacist to make sure I heard him right.  That brings our medication total for this round up near $4,000.  No wonder I felt like IVF was more reasonable last round when our meds were only around $1,500. 

I really hope this works.  Please let Tuesday bring us good news, and hopefully determine our egg retrieval date.