On Monday I turn 39. Sucks.
Normally this wouldn’t be such a big deal but it’s bothering me now. I’ve always had my sights set on 40 as being in a better place, either career or family, or both. Right now, there’s neither. Once we realized how up to the neck we were with infertility, I figured 40 was it. The cutoff. If it wasn’t happening for us by 40, it just ain’t happenin’.
So now begins the countdown.
Twelve months. Twelve-ish cycles to 40. Forget counting forward, we’ve done that 46 times already with no luck. Now it’s counting down. We’ve already put our minds in a place that lets us better accept we probably won’t have kids, but I really believe that by this time next year, the chapter closes for good. I just can’t see starting a whole new decade like this. And let’s get real. While there’s plenty of feel-good stories out there of someone’s sister’s friend’s coworker’s brother-in-law’s wife got pregnant after 40, it’s just not realistic for us. We’ve been at this for nearly four years.
Wow. I’ve been writing about the same crap for four years? Same job, same hell, same childless situation, with a sprinkling of good things here and there to keep us sane. Only now I’m no longer in school or running or doing much of anything else. That’s gotta change.
Perhaps this countdown should be focused on many things? I really can’t continue on like this. I’m doing my best to give the situation at work a chance, but now that we’ve lost another good person from our team, my buffer is gone. This person provided a nice balance to the team and I’m not entirely thrilled with where things are heading. I’ll give it some time but I’m definitely checking the job boards daily. Figures now that I’ve gotten our IVF answer, all the good-looking jobs I was considering the past few months are no longer available.
So this is it. I’ve got a year to get in a better place – physically, mentally, spiritually, financially. Pretty sure that means shifting back to the things I can change or control and that would be almost everything else except…baby.
It’s about time.