Two months

I’m a day late but it’s now two months into my 39th year and I feel a huge decline from just one month ago. The month kicked off with a friend announcing their pregnancy, but I also found a glimmer of hope in all the pain and nonsense I’ve been going through with my back, leg and knee issues. As I did research on how things connect with one another and how changing diet and finding the right supplements not only could help with inflammation, it gave me hope to read that they might help fertility, too.

I know it hasn’t been long enough to see or feel any measurable difference, but I’m already feeling depressed. I’m sure depriving myself of a cheesy, gooey pizza along with a giant glass of red wine is also contributing to my sadness. Ha! This diet/food plan has been TOUGH! I will admit that I’ve cheated a tiny bit because I can not go without coffee, so I allow one cup only and I put a splash of creamer in it. Last night I had half of a baked potato because we were at a fund raiser and I ate what they were providing us. It was yummy! But I only put a tiny bit of butter and not my beloved sour cream, so I compromised. And I had a tiny piece of candy once or twice, but that was unavoidable being Halloween.

Speaking of which, I debated participating since it’s always a tough thing for me, and knowing that my husband was on call this year and wouldn’t be home to be with me. The thing is, I always loved Halloween and always thought about the day I’d have children, and dressing them up for Halloween and going out trick-or-treating. I’d probably be the mom that made homemade costumes because that’s just how I am. As I sat there listening to some of the parents complaining about having to trudge out in the rainy weather with their kids, I bit my tongue. I’d trade places in a heartbeat. So I did it. I passed out candy alone and survived. I just don’t want to be viewed as that “mean old lady who must not like children because she doesn’t have any.”

So I’m trying. I’m sticking with the program, I’ve lost 12 pounds, although I know that’s due to the restrictive diet plan and I’ll have to be really careful when I reintroduce foods because I’m sure I’ll gain it back fairly easily. I wish I could say it was due to running, but I haven’t been able to do that very well. The back and knee pain are really interferring. Thankfully I have physical therapy, chiropractor, and a followup with my sports med doctor all in the same week next week. I’m going to really push for input and answers. I really want to know about this adrenal fatigue stuff. Is it real? Is that what’s going on with me? And how the hell do I fix it?

Because if I truly can’t have children, then please let me go back to the things I enjoy, that help me cope. I feel like one way I can turn a corner and move on is with being able to run, which will make me not only feel better, but help me to get fit again and my body back into pre-fertility drug shape. Another thing that would help me move on is the career focus. Unfortunately, that’s not going so well either. I’ve seen a few design jobs come my way again but they are either part time or need way more experience than my next-to-no-experience can provide. So I’m trying to really embrace what I have and do what I can to be a better employee and see if there’s a way to grow or advance under the new boss. It’s a long shot.

No baby, too hurt to run, and stuck in my career. I feel like I’ve been robbed…three times.

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