Six months

Well, technically, yesterday. Six months from yesterday I turn 40.

I originally wanted to embrace 40. I wanted to be healthy and strong, to have established a career that suited me, and I really thought we’d have a family. I started this blog when I was 35 and at the time it had a name that fit not only my age but my hopeful plans in life. I was in school for interior design, hoping to find a new career path and we were ttc. Eventually ttc took over and we experienced a horrific journey of infertility. Somehow I still managed to graduate with my new degree, carrying a 4.0 GPA the entire time. I met new design friends, and got involved in design committees, but there was still a void. Some of those friends have gone on to get pregnant, along with almost everyone else around us.

Work became torturous but I battled through because we needed every penny of my salary to dig out of IVF and medical bills. Thankfully I stayed the course because things have gotten much, much better at my job. New team members have come aboard and I really do work with a great bunch of people. Is it what I’d like to do the rest of my career? Probably not, but for now, it’s ideal.

I did start to be more health and fitness conscious by picking up running and have run two half-marathons and a handful of other races in between fertility treatments. But I’ve also never felt more old in my life when nagging injuries turned into more significant ones. I’m now a regular at physical therapy, the chiropractor, and the yoga studio. I’m hoping to emerge strong and healthy and not old and falling apart, but it’s a fine line.

Then there’s ttc. People ask if we still try. Of course we try, although I don’t know if you really call it trying or just normal getting it on. I have started temping again, but mostly out of curiousity to see if I’m even still ovulating. I do try to stay up on vitamins and supplements and still have to nudge my husband to do the same. But, if not for fertility, just for general health. A vitamin isn’t going to hurt anything, so just take them, especially if our diet is lacking.

And then, I went back on the ttc boards. I haven’t been on there for the better part of a year now. I ran out of things to say and had no advice for those still trying. I flipped through my groups and I just didn’t seem to fit the mold anymore for any of them. Actively Trying? Not really, and the average age seemed to be like 25. Fertility Issues? Always. But most of those ladies know their issues and are taking measures to overcome them. My issues are just that my parts are probably covered in scar tissue and not working. High Tech Methods? Not exactly doing anything advanced or IVF anymore. So for the heck of it, I signed up for Over 40 TTC. Wow. Never thought I’d see that day. Ok, so I’m a bit premature by 6 months (less one day), but it’s probably the only group that fits. Although maybe not as most of those women are there for their second or third child, trying to finish their family planning to-do list.

I guess I really don’t fit in anywhere…

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