Limboland

As the days wind down and 2011 draws to a close, I was really hoping to step into a new year with a clearer path.  It didn’t take long to realize I’ll be starting off 2012 right back in limbo.  Actually, I’m pretty sure I never left Limboland, I think I’ve been there for at least the past few years now. 

January.

It’s going to be a pivotal month filled with decisions.  All of which I will need to relay to my boss by week’s end since she will be on vacation next week and once she returns, things may or may not get rolling.

First, I visited my school’s website to check on important dates, how to petition to graduate (so I don’t miss the deadline again), and to figure out who I need to meet with to make this all happen.  There was this neat little program on the site where I can plug in my major and my info and let it run a report to see if I’m on track to graduate.

Turns out I am not.

This just keeps being more and more awesome, these school hoops I jump through. 

Ok, so I am lacking two classes within my major, I get that.  One I just tested out recently that I need to pay for and the other I am slated to take in the spring, in just a few weeks from now.  But it’s telling me I’m lacking in some sort of liberal arts credit.  My whole dang Bachelor’s degree is Liberal Arts!  The course they are suggesting I take is some sort of basic art class.  Are you kidding me?  Not only did I get my first Associate’s from this very college, in Art mind you, but I then transferred it to another school to get my Bachelor’s taking even more Art!  I took almost every stinkin’ Art and Art History class they offered!  How in the world am I lacking an art class?

So I am hoping this is just a glitch and I called to set up an appointment with a counselor before realizing that the school is closed over the break until January 3.  More waiting.

If everything is a go, then I’ll continue on in the spring, taking my very last class needed to graduate.  That in itself is another issue.  It was a class that used to be offered once a week.  One morning, first thing in the morning.  Now, it’s being offered twice a week, mid-morning, which means I get to do another 16 weeks of go to work early, leave for class, return to work and stay late, twice a week.  One last time.

That’s if my boss even lets me.  I hate that this degree has become so disruptive to a job that it will have nothing to offer towards when I’m done. 

And that’s also if IVF #2 doesn’t get in the way.  I might even let it this time.  January is the month where my husband and I go for a second opinion.  Whether we switch to this new doc or this new hospital remains to be seen, but there’s no telling what the doc will suggest.  It might be enough for me to throw in the towel on school for a little while.

If I find I’m lacking in some other credits, I’m definitely throwing in the towel.  At least temporarily.  This IVF is far more important.  Design will always be there waiting for me.

School/career vs. baby have been going head to head now for two years!  The idea of one would sometimes prevail over the other and vice versa, making me crazy.  I’m kinda done.  It’s whatever will be will be.  We shall see what January throws our way.

Still not sure what to tell my boss . . .

My tip

School is back in session for me today.  Thank God!!

But not before a much needed cup of coffee.  I went down to the coffee shop in our building and every day they have not one, but two tip jars.  Each one has something written on it for you to “vote” with your tip.  Genius idea if you ask me.  One day it might be as simple as “cats” or “dogs” and the next might be something more worldly.  Today’s choices?

Damned if you do.

or

Damned if you don’t. 

Being the pessimist that I usually am, I thought Damned if you do, FOR SURE!  But as I stood in line I started to reflect on all I’ve been through in the past year or so.  All the big decisions I’ve been making.

The decision to go back to school while at the same time, muddling through this whole trying to conceive journey.  I thought back to last year when I was so stressed about trying to get pregnant and what if it happened during the school year and would I have to drop out.  This was of course before knowing all that we know now!  I pushed myself to the limit with taking full time classes and while working full time and interning around 20 hours a week.  I seriously don’t know how I did it.

But I’m beginning to understand WHY I did it, even if it wasn’t a conscious decision.

That last push I gave last semester was to make this year THE year.  I only have 2 classes left.  If we were to get pregnant this school year, no biggie.  Having one class per semester will feel like cakewalk to me!  I’ll have room to sign up for Interior Design History AND Pregnancy 101.  LOL!

I continued to think about how it’s been a rough road getting to this point.  Between all the pregnancies happening around me and having a tough time at work trying to either conform to what I need to do in the present or push myself for the unknown future job I’d like to have, it’s been draining.

But I’m ready.

I just gave my last round of bloodwork yesterday, which should be final puzzle piece before moving on to IVF.  Things are going to get seriously exciting.  And scary.  Maybe there’s reason why it didn’t happen for us sooner?  Maybe finishing this degree is first on the agenda that I have no control over?

I’ve also continued training for my half marathon and for the first time ever, I finished a double-digit training run!  Amazing.  Maybe this was next on my agenda that I have no control over?  I’m reaching new levels of excitement over the idea of this race and goal of mine.  Less than a month to go!

We are also planning a neighborhood party.  Something my husband and I have wanted to do for a while now but didn’t have any next door neighbors to coordinate with.  The ball is rolling and we are excited to host something fun that we hope will become a tradition similiar to a block party that everyone looks forward to.  All these things, lining up in order on some sort of “before baby” bucket list that I didn’t realize I was creating. 

After ordering my coffee I thought, there are so many great things going on.  Some scary, some exciting.  Some may work out, some may not.  But what-if I never did ANY of these things?  Where would I be then?

Here’s where MY tip went . . .

Damned if you don’t. 

I should forget my lunch more often

I keep hoping one day to get back into the architecture type firm world.  I guess that would make sense since I’m finishing up school for interior design, right?

For the past several months I keep seeing a blast from my professional career past.  An architect who worked at the very first job I had out of college.  Someone whose input I value greatly and someone is so seriously connected with opportunities, that I feel the need to elbow my way back into his virtual rolodex.  But every time I’d see him either on the street or someplace picking up lunch, he’d already be engaged in conversation with someone.  One time we managed to say “hello” and the very next second, someone came by, shook his hand and stole him away.

Then something strange happened.  My boss gave me a few business cards a few months back that she had received at an event and wanted me to enter them into her contacts.  Low and behold!  His card was one of them.   I couldn’t believe it.  I sent him an email, telling him how I’m finishing school and would love to chat about design opportunities sometime.  When I didn’t hear back, I feared he was too busy or spam ate the email I sent him.

So today, I didn’t get a chance to pack a lunch.  I hate when I do that because I hate wasting money on a lunch that I could have packed from home.  Feeling my usual “will they let me keep my job even though they are probably on to me that I’m not happy”, I ran downstairs to our little deli to grab lunch.

There he was.   With no one else bending his ear or stealing him away.  I finally got to chat with him about what I’d love to be doing and gave him my card.  Hopefully we’ll plan a lunch so that I can get some career guidance because it’s what I so desperately need.  In the few minutes we chatted he asked what I was currently doing careerwise and asked, “are you happy?”

It was the first time I think someone flat out asked me that question. 

“With what I’m doing?  No.”

It just came out so matter of factly.  I heard it out loud and not in my head. 

Maybe he’ll be too busy again?  Or maybe we won’t make the time for a lunch like we say we will.  It made me realize there will be opportunities out there and I can’t help but think that the universe works in strange ways sometimes and maybe I just need to forget my lunch once in a while…

Double standards

Sometimes it’s traffic.

Sometimes it’s weather.

Sometimes it’s just that I don’t care.

Whatever the reason, sometimes I end up late to work.  Many times it’s for reasons that can’t be helped, but not always.

But one of the things I have a problem with is the double standards of hourly vs. salary workers.

I have to leave early for:

Cub Scouts

Day care closing early

First recital

Class play in the middle of the morning

Soccer practice

I got here late because:

Kid pooped all over the place

First day of school

Daycare issues

The lists go on and on.  Point taken.

Now, I know this all strikes a raw nerve with me because I don’t have kids.  I have a silly little cat and sometimes it gets sick and I’ll discover it at the most inopportune time when I need to walk out the door for work.  I’ve had to clean puke off the carpet, etc. which has made me late, but it’s not the same thing.

I’m not stupid.  I know it’s not the same.  I’m not one of those people who claims their pets are like their children.  I can differentiate.

But the treatment is not equal.  I have to be made aware that I’m late for whatever reason, within my control or not.  I have to be accountable for making up my time, because I’m hourly.  Sure all the salary people can say they don’t get paid for working beyond 40 hours, but do they really make up all their time for all the interruptions listed above?  Maybe.  But on the other hand, hourly people sometimes work beyond 40 hours too and don’t always get paid for it either.

Maybe I have two raw nerves?

The one that reminds me that I don’t have children.

And the one that reminds me I need to find a real career.

So what’s it gonna be?

I felt like I cheated on my job today.  I applied for a design-type job the other day just to test the waters, not really knowing what to expect in such a down market.  My phone rang literally 20 minutes after I sent my resume and today I would get dressed to the nines and give it a whirl. 

Not good.  Let’s just say we’d foreclose on our home if I took this job.  Part-time hours that flirted with almost full-time, yet there’s no guarantee they’d be consistent.  I would have been a great job, like 10 years ago! 

Or how about the perfect job for the next phase in my life?  The one where we just had a baby and I needed a part-time, flexible schedule type job near my home?  Yeah.  Bad timing.  Makes me even more annoyed that we’re not pregnant yet.

So I made the walk of shame back to work after my interview, knowing this is where I probably need to stay for now.  Unless I find something full time or pays better, which is doubtful at the moment.  I just need to figure out how to be happy in the now so I can hang in there, I guess. 

Then I left work for a nice distraction to learn about technology in design.  Figured I should go to more of these events to keep myself busy and out there to meet potential employers.  It was a nice time and I learned alot and met a lot of nice people.  But there was a burning distraction.

What the hell?  God-dammed cramps.  I have friggin cramps!  It’s like day 23 of my cycle and my period’s already coming.  Awesome.  This has gotta be early menopause. 

So after the event, I headed home and opened a bottle of wine.  I needed it after today.  It ended up being the bottle my boss gave me for Administrative Professionals Day earlier this year.

Yep.  I guess this is what it is for now. 

New job = 0

Baby = 0

Current job = 1

Time to figure out how to like these scores.  Good thing school starts back up soon.

 

Never thought about it that way

So I had my career coaching appointment yesterday and I still had that little voice of self-doubt wondering if now’s the best time to be doing this.  And then, I proceeded to move about 50 boxes at work, each one weighing an average of 30 pounds, and realized, yep! there is no better time than the present. 

I’ve got to be happy and moving boxes was not a happy moment.  In fact, it’s a bit ridiculous.  I have a college degree and I’m feeling like a mover because this task probably falls under that whole “other duties as needed” part of my job description.  So, needless to say, I was looking forward to this meeting.  We did some testing based on my personality traits to see what types of work I’d be best suited for and the results didn’t surprise me entirely.  A lot of them were in the arts, but there were a few eyebrow-raisers in the bunch that perhaps I never thought about out of fear.  Things like teaching or public speaking or counseling.  Interesting stuff.

So while I learned a few things that I already knew about myself, I also learned that I’m probably the sole reason for keeping myself from thinking a different way.  An important thing that I took from the meeting was that often times, certain jobs or professions don’t always fit within the neatly packaged 9-to-5 timeframe.  And for me to be happy doing something creative, it doesn’t always have to mean a financial setback whether it’s less than 40 hours a week, or a cut in salary.  A lot of creative professionals that I’ve met along my life have been happy, and not many of them work one job.  They often work 2 or even 3 jobs, but they make it work, and they LOVE what they do.  My career coach is big on putting a few ideas together to create a “job”, even if it has to be at more than one place.  And the more I think about it, even though it feels like you might be stretching yourself more thinly, it might actually be more flexible than I once thought.  Have an appointment?  No problem, schedule it Tuesday morning because you’re starting work that day at 11:00 a.m. instead of 8:00 a.m.  Every time I need to make any type of appointment, it is a disruption in my day, because I’ve always held a more rigid work schedule.

So it’s things like that.  I’m still trying to wrap my head around it all and to think differently because I feel like for whatever reason, I’ve been programmed to think a certain way about my career path.  And maybe I need to take the riskier path?  The one I tend to travel less.  And probably the one that’s going to lead to happiness and the flexibility I hope to need one day if we have little ones entering the picture.

So much to think about . . .

Back on the school path

Had that awkward conversation today with my boss about my upcoming fall schedule.  I signed up months ago and I’m set to pay the tuition soon, so I figured I should make sure it was ok again. 

I have to really consider myself lucky that she’s even letting me do this.  When I first signed up for the program it was primarily night and weekend classes.  After one year in, they pulled the rug out from under me and switched to all day classes.  I had no choice but to let my secret be known at work and the sense that I may not stay at my current job forever. 

So I am very grateful, but it still made it weird to tell her that I’m two classes away from finishing.  On one hand it’s great that I only have to disrupt my work schedule two more times, but in the back of our minds, it also could mean the beginning of the end. 

Plus there’s that whole pregnancy thing.  If it so happens that I get pregnant, that could change a lot of things.  I might not be working at ANY of the places I’m imagining, including my current job.  I might be part time.  Who knows?

And speaking of that, we’re kind of on a break from trying.  I mean, we’re trying but not going crazy about it.  Not dealing with any drugs or IUI’s or tests.  Just trying.  And maybe that’s a good thing.  It seemed like perfect timing that the distraction of school is around the corner. 

Too bad I hit another snag with that.  Technically, I have three classes left.  One of which I was planning to test out of.  This was in the works and I talked about it with the head of the department last semester.  Too bad she’s since retired.  And I also discussed it with the instructor who would be teaching the class.  We had it all worked out.  Too bad she’s no longer teaching the class. 

There were a lot of personnel changes within the department and I might have to jump through a few hoops to test out of this class now.   If the dean decides to deny me this option, it will not be pretty.  It would mean I’d have to wait another entire YEAR to take it NEXT fall.  I can’t have this.  I just can’t.  I want to be done.  I want to be able to network and move on and figure out what’s next for me.  I can’t possibly go network and say, “keep me in mind for a job TWO years from now. Thanks!” 

Yeah.  So can’t ONE facet of my life go right for me?  Just one?  I really hope this works out.  I need the distraction right now.

 

Living my own life

I had my first meeting with my career coach today.  We met for breakfast and it was a chance go over her program and approach for working with clients and for her to meet me and get a sense of the direction I should head in.  I was instantly impressed, not only because her educational background is almost identical to mine, but her personal background is so similar.  She has the same type of art degree I do, with a concentration in the same mediums, and also the same minor.  But the real clincher for me was to hear her say “you CAN have it all” when it comes to a career you enjoy and raising children.

She met her Mr. Right at age 30, just before her 31st birthday.  So did I!

She got married at age 33.  So did I!

She had her child at age 36.  Ok, our ship’s about to sail on this similarity, but it still gives me hope.

It was like I was chatting with my creative clone, but with a much more positive attitude and outlook than me.   In a few moments when she asked about my hangups and who my influencers are, it became so apparent to me that I’m not living my life for me.  I might have been living it for my parents, or my family, or what society thinks, or for my loyalty to some of the places I’ve chosen to work.  Whatever it is, it’s not happy.  I’m not happy.  And no band-aid or baby is going to fix that right now.

So I’ve decided to try out her services starting with figuring out if I’m even on the right path.  I know I need to be doing something creative, but I just haven’t quite put my finger on what exactly.  But I also think part of the issue is I’ve been too afraid to try.  I think we’re going to work on that, too.  And I can’t wait.  I really can’t.  This is what I’ve been needing for so long.  Getting help from being stuck.  No, there’s no magic crystal ball or formula, but just having someone to help nudge you when you’ve been spinning in circles for years is comforting to me.

 

If I were to do only one thing today

It was one of those days.  I spent the entire day in my pj’s and just didn’t care.  I guess partly because I was so tired after spending eleven hours painting at my brother’s house the day before.  And maybe it’s partly because I started that oh-so-telling spotting that I usually get before my period comes. 

Either way, I didn’t have a whole lot on the agenda today.  Well, I did, but I just didn’t plan to do any of it.  I was in antsy mode and looked up all sorts of things online:  art stuff, class stuff, even job stuff.  Then I took a nap.

And when I woke up, I applied for a job.  It was the first time I’ve applied for a job in over five years.  Scary, rusty, necessary.  It was like, if I had only one thing to do today, this would be it. 

So it’s done.  I dusted off the resume, wrote up a very rusty cover letter and hit the submit button.   We’ll see what happens, just test the waters.  There haven’t been very many jobs that I’d even be remotely interested in lately. Or many jobs, period. 

When I accepted the job I have now, it was over a span of several months, and after a hundred tries.  No joke.  Sounds awfully familiar to something else in my life so I have to take this attempt with a grain of salt. 

It seems that “it only takes one” theory doesn’t work for me with a pregnancy, so why would I think it would for a job?

It’s just a step in the next direction that I need to try.  Plus, I’m looking forward to hearing from that career coach I contacted last week.  Maybe she can help me take the next step. 

Gotta do something.

Something’s gotta change

It’s been a real emotional day.  The kind of day where I have to fight back tears at my desk.  I’m just so frustrated - plain and simple.  I’ll go through these phases where I’ll feel really antsy about my life and usually, if I preoccupy myself with a project, it will pass.

Not anymore.

I am so stuck right now, I can hardly stand it.

My day started off with a dentist visit on my way to work.  Unfortunately there was an accident that clogged up traffic for miles.  I decided to take side roads, and so did everyone else, it seems.  All I could think about is why can’t I work closer to home?  And what would I do if I won the lottery?  The first thing that popped into my head?  Quitting my job and going back to fulfill the one dream I never got to do.  Enroll in art school.  No, not like what I’ve already done.  We’re talking like BFA (Bachelors of Fine Arts) or maybe even masters level studies where you’d actually have studio space and classes that took up an entire day.

I was accepted to our top art school when I was graduating high school, but never went.  Too far, too expensive, too this, too that.  Too bad.

I feel like it will be a decision that will forever haunt me.

So I got to thinking.  What is really the issue here?  I think it’s that I long to be creative, and day in and day out, I’m not.  I’m failing miserably at being happy and I think creativity is at the root.  Sure, I’ll have opportunities to feel creative when I’m in school or when I decide to make art or work on some sort of project.  But it’s not the same thing.

The bulk of what I do, I hate.  I hate it.  And there’s not much I can do about it.  The place has great benefits, which I need.  And a good salary, which I really need.  But I think I need my mental health most.

So after talking to a colleague who is feeling much the same way as I do, I decided to find a professional to talk to.  At first I thought maybe a psychologist or counselor, but as I scoured through the websites, I just wasn’t sure if that was the right move.  I don’t necessarily think it’s a depression type thing.  I don’t know.  Maybe sometimes.  But the things that sometimes depress me are the things I can’t change.

My career is about the only thing that I can change and I need to stop telling myself I can’t.  I need to stop rethinking that now’s not the time.  When is?  There’s no guarantee that I’m going to get pregnant, so I gotta shake things up.

So I ended up searching for more of a life or career coach instead.  I did the same scouring through name after name, until I found someone that caught my attention.  Not only was she near my home, but her background was astounding to me.  Her main background is HR type stuff, obviously, but she worked with non-profits and tons of arts organizations.  Many of which are near my home that I didn’t even knew existed!  I couldn’t believe it.

This is what I need.  Someone who can be like a mentor to me.  Someone with some answers, and if not answers, at the very least, suggestions when I come up empty.  So I summoned up the courage to email her about her services.

And got the auto-reply.  She’s on vacation this week.

Figures.  Such is my life.  But hopefully, come Monday, a step in the right direction for a better one.