My worlds have collided

It’s a little bit ironic to me that Administrative Professionals Day is smack dab in the middle of National Infertility Awareness Week. 

My two worlds have officially collided. 

I’ve spent the better part of the past two years trying to deal, cope, decide, waffle, fight back tears, and hang on to any sliver of hope that something was going to give.  I’d either get pregnant, or I’d find a job that wasn’t administrative in nature.

So, here we are.

And I’m actually OK today.  I’m calm.  I’m here.  I’m OK.  I haven’t really waffled back and forth a mile a minute, like I do most days.  Beating myself up for not having either dream fulfilled.  I’m just OK. 

Maybe it has something to do with skipping class yesterday to clear my head.  I seriously feel a lot better.  I was able to finish a deadline at work, and then go home to write up a design concept statement for my school project that I’ve tried at least four times to write with a mushy brain all week.  It came out great. 

So I don’t know what it is.  Something in the air.  A change of heart or mind.  But I’ll take it. 

I even commented on another neighbor’s baby delivery announcement today, knowing full well it would blow up my phone each time someone else comments.  But I’m genuinely happy for them.  I can’t say I’ve felt this way in such a long time. 

Maybe good things are coming and I’ll finally be able to accept what they are.

This. Is. My. Life.

The afternoon of January 3, 2012:

At the Enrollment Office at school:  Oh, this is the wrong place.  You need to see a counselor first.

At the Counselor’s Office:  We are taking walk-ins only, please sign in.  (There are at least 12 names ahead of me.)

An hour passes.

Meeting with Counselor:

Me:  I’m trying to petition to graduate but the report I ran is telling me I’m missing some credits.  I don’t see how that’s possible since I already have a bachelor’s degree in art.

Counselor:  Hmm, did you take Drawing I?

Me:  Well, I should hope so.  Did I mention I have a Bachelor’s Degree in Art?  I took Drawing I at THIS school 20 years ago when obtaining my first Associate’s in Art!

Counselor:  Well, we might be able to request a couple substitutions.

Me:  Is the problem because when I went here the first time you were on a quarter system, then I transferred to a school on a semester system, and now I’m back here again on a semester system?

Counselor:  Possibly.  Ok, you need to fill out this form and take it to the Dean’s office to have them sign off on the substitutions.  As long as she feels it’s ok, you won’t need to retake anything.

If I have to take anything that’s considered ’101′ in order to graduate with another Associate’s AFTER receiving a Bachelor’s, kinda like educationally going backwards here, I’m gonna scream. 

I drop off the form with the Dean’s secretary.

I go back to the Enrollment Office to pay for the class I tested out of recently, which also showed up on the report saying I still needed to take the class.  I tell them I also need to petition to graduate.

They hand me another form.

After 90 minutes of this, I had enough and took the form home with me.  That’s for another day.

Community colleges – easy to get into, impossible to get out of.

The morning of Janauary 4, 2012:

New Dr’s office:  I’m sorry but we’ve been trying to have the other hospital release your records and they haven’t done so yet.  They are saying due to privacy issues they can no longer fax or mail them and the patient needs to request to pick them up.

Me: I ask what number to call and am given apparently the number to another facility that is sort of connected to my IVF group, but not entirely.

I call this office and explain the situation that I need my medical records for an appointment next week.

I am put on hold for 15 minutes.

I hang up and call again and am put on hold for another 5 minutes while they are trying to figure this out.

They said they don’t have all my records since I was seen primarily at their main campus and that I’d probably have to call them.

I call the main campus IVF group.

Main group:  They tell me I need to call the Medical Records department.

I call the medical records department.

Medical Records:  They tell me I need to speak to the medical release department and they transfer me.

I talk to the medical release authorization person who tells me what I was told was incorrect that they can fax or mail the records over but it will take 7-10 days.  I told her I don’t have 7-10 days as my appt is Tuesday!  And that we started this process back on December 22 to get these records.  She said the new doctor’s office can simply fax over what they need from them and they would fax it back to them.  She said I don’t know who they talked to but it’s a simple process.  She was started to get annoyed with me.

I call back to new doctor’s office and explain it to the girl I’ve been talking to and she said she’s been doing exactly what they explained to me.  At this point I’m ready to cry and even told her so.  I explained what was needed and that I’ve been spinning in circles and need someone to help me.  She said she will try again the second we hang up and will get back to me as soon as she has the records faxed over.

I’m just glad I followed up instead of just showing up next Tuesday, when my husband and I have taken a vacation day for this second opinion appointment, only to find out the records never made it there!

All of this took 53 minutes.

And yet most people just get knocked up…

And between these two ordeals, I wonder why I’m starting to get a migraine.   

2012?

There have been a series of conversations and strange things that have occurred in the last days of 2011 that got me thinking. 

I had a great conversation with a former coworker who never had children.  She never had the desire to have kids.  I’m getting to that point mentally where I feel like I need to have more outings like this – to prepare myself for the other side of the coin.  She has a nice life – one that isn’t weighed down or planned around children.  It’s still not quite the same thing when you’ve known all your life that you didn’t want kids vs someone who’s been struggling to have them, but it allows me to think that we’ll eventually survive if we don’t. 

Then I had the conversation with my boss.  The one I had been working up the nerve to do all week.  As usual, she was pretty understanding and I finally felt myself spilling lots of thoughts that I never thought I’d hear out loud.  I explained how incredibly frustrating these past two years have been and the mental struggle I’ve been dealing with.  One day I’ll put my career path in the forefront, the next day all I want is to become pregnant.  I told her that we’re kinda at a crossroads where January will tell us what we need to know.  So maybe we can move on.  I’m looking at it like we’ll have kids or we won’t.  But eventually I will feel like we can finally move on from feeling stuck not knowing our fate.  It’s easy to say this now because I have no idea how I will feel if IVF doesn’t work out again.  But for now, we have to try and it has to be right now.  I also told my boss that I’m not really in a position to be looking for a job that will pay significantly less right now, just because I’ll be finishing up my degree.  I’ll either be pregnant needing to save up as much money as possible, or I’ll be still having to pay for two IVFs, whether they worked or not. 

Then, on New Year’s Eve, I was engaged in a conversation with an unlikely neighbor who I never expected to be discussing our family planning with.  Ever have one of those conversations where while in the middle of it, you can’t believe what is being discussed?  Then later on, usually the next day, you’re like what the hell?  It was kinda like that.  I only wish I could have written this post on the spot to be able to remember exactly how the dialogue went.  But conversation almost hinted at whether or not my husband and I feel like we fit into the neighborhood.  My mind was racing. 

Do people feel like we don’t?

Do we give off the impression that we feel like we don’t?

Are people tiptoeing around us?  What are people saying?

All I know is at some point I said I don’t want people deciding for us what we can and can’t handle or if they feel conflicted about inviting us to things just because we don’t have children.  I wasn’t even sure what I was defending anymore.  But today I keep having a WTF? moment when I find myself thinking about it. 

So I have no idea what 2012 has in store for us.   Maybe we’ll get pregnant, maybe we won’t.  Maybe I’ll know that it’s time to pursue my career dreams, or maybe it won’t be a wise idea.  Maybe we’ll fit in, maybe we won’t.  No clue.  But 2012 is here,  whether we’re ready for it or not.

I’m just glad to say goodbye to 2011.  That’s one thing I’m sure about.

Holiday ramblings

It’s been interesting.  I’ve either made or confirmed many observations in the days leading up to Christmas this year.

Sometimes I’m in the loop; often times not.

If I have an idea, I should just roll with it.

Sometimes communication goes from zero to sixty in a 48-hour window, then tapers off to what is usually the norm.

A parent is proud of me but I’ll never hear that directly from them; it will be through an awkward third party.

I am a part of some family circles; in others, I feel anonymous.

I am a wife; to others, ”the” wife, nothing more.  Disappointing.

Sometimes I feel like things go well; then later think, maybe not entirely.

A ”half” family has accepted us in full, and vice versa.

Church service without a family still makes me cry.

Here’s hoping that 2012 provides the piece that bridges the gaps and brings all things together.

On the brink of giving up

Well, I decided to take a sick day.  My boss even encouraged it. 

It’s proving to be sort of a waste.  I wanted to clean the house, or get things organized in my life, or get caught up on my homework.  But I’ve done nothing.  Nothing.  I’ve stayed in my pj’s, snacked a little and have been watching tv while surfing a bunch of junk online. 

I guess it’s what I need, but I feel like it just feeds the funk.  A few days ago, before even knowing our fate, I was ready to give up on a lot of things.  School being one of them.  Stupid, considering I’ve come this far and am so close to being done.  I just figured I’d let a pregnancy get in the way. 

And when that didn’t work out, then I figured I’d let the disappointment of not being pregnant get in the way.  But life does go on.  It has to.  So then things started turning around. 

My husband and I are planning a much needed getaway next month.  We’re thinking Vegas.  Someplace where we don’t even have to think about anything.  And we are leaving literally right after my last final.  I decided to continue my push with school.  I need to just buck up and get it done.  Now that I have something to look forward to, it helps with the push. 

Then I just got a call, inviting me to a design event. Maybe it’s a sign that I need not give up on my other dreams right now just because one of them isn’t happening when I want it to? Life continues to go on.  So I accepted the invite and figured I could use a nice night out.  And some of my friends are starting to ask if I could use a night out or in with some wine.  Well, of course.  Life can be good.  Healing.

It may not be exactly what I was hoping for, but there is hope.  Right now life is telling me to enjoy it and maybe things will fall into place when they are ready to.  Just don’t give up. 

We aren’t going to give up on IVF yet either.  It will happen.

Grin and bear it

Well, with the exception of Monday, since that was the day of my embryo transfer, I made it through my first week back to work.

Barely.

This was the week where three coworkers made their departures to new and exciting ventures.  Something that anyone who has a job above the status of an administrative assistant is able to attain.  I have never been able to advance.  Ever. 

The week had its share of going-away parties, complete with parting words and speeches.  I couldn’t believe it when every person in my department was singled out with nice things said about them, while I was lumped in with the “others”.  Like an afterthought.  Like there were no good specific things to say, so I just share the mention with a cast of other people. 

Then there was the moment where my boss made this weird joke when I was asked how my half marathon went, almost belittling the experience for me.  That was fun.  I may not be able to be recognized for great things at work, but this race was quite an accomplishment that I took very seriously and now it’s being  joked about in an effort to seem funny in front of others?  I left the party feeling completely unappreciated.

I’ve never wanted to quit more than I do now and there couldn’t be any worse time than now while we wait on this possible pregnancy and yet I still need a good job for the time being.  The stress level reaches insane levels that I can’t keep up with and with the departures of coworkers, followed by the transition of their future replacements, I don’t know how I’ll get through at a time when I should be calm and hopeful and dreaming of the day we find out this IVF works for us and we finally get the news we’re pregnant. 

Until then, I have another week of hell to endure.  A full week this time.  All five days in hell.  The two-week wait is hell in general, but this is a whole new level of hell.

Where the hell have I been?

This is officially the longest lapse between posts I’ve had since I started this blog.  Nearly two weeks!  Ironically the same length of torture I find myself dealing with month after month after month.

So what’s been going on?  Where do I even begin?

SCHOOL – Basically I found out that my body of work maybe isn’t as strong as I once was lead to believe.  My instructors never gave much constructive criticism and now that the design department has employed a few new instructors, I’m beginning to feel like I’ve been gypped with my education.  I had to meet with this new instructor to try and test out of a class.  If I don’t test out, I will have to wait another whole year to take one stupid class.  All I want is to be done with this.  If I am to get pregnant, I don’t want one lingering class that I’ll never go back to finish once I have my hands full.  So this instructor meant business.  Some of the projects that I showed her that I received A’s on, she said she would have given me a C+.  Talk about a left hook.  But as we’d talk, she would smooth it over and give the kind of critique I needed to hear.

So much for finding a job I’ll love when this is all said and done.  Not only will I have to improve my portfolio, but she reiterated the fact that most firms won’t look at you with only a two year degree.  Doesn’t matter that I already have a four-year degree in a double major, it’s just not in design.  So after getting the left hook, I felt like she followed up with an uppercut.

But she’s right.  And I always had a sense that it might not be easy to find the job I really need to be doing.  It may require more schooling or a lucky break.

WORK – So let’s discuss the job that I have.  Misery.  I don’t know what to do.  I really tried to be zen-like as we head into IVF soon, trying to let all the crap roll off my back, but I can only keep up the charade for so long.  It’s the same old, same old.  No opportunity to do something more rewarding and now that I’ve caught wind of THREE people leaving to take new jobs elsewhere, I’ve reached a whole new level of disgust, probably due to some jealousy of those who are able to flee.

One is a dear person who I sit next to.  She’s an executive assistant and has a similar arts type background as me.  It’s only a matter of time when the creative folks can’t take it anymore and want to do something creative.  She’ll be moving on to a creative firm, assisting with running the office.

Another person is in my own department, yet the news hasn’t been made official yet.  It’s funny because I never knew this person was looking and would always try to point out the bright side when she sensed my frustration here.  Awesome.  So now we’re going to be down a person in my own department, which will surely bring on more work and with the executive assistant leaving, I might find myself needing to help the CEO sometimes.  I don’t have a problem with this, but I just don’t know how much more I have left to give some days.

The last person leaving won’t affect my duties in any way, but I am compelled by her ideas on what she’d rather be doing.  She’s taking a big chance on leaving an upper level management job, to pursue her passion in being a wine consultant and maybe just some other consulting on the side.  How cool is that?

Why don’t I ever take that leap?

I could never find an answer to that question before, but I do think I have an answer now.

This IVF is going to seal the deal.  I’m going to be stuck.

There is no way I can attempt to apply for a new job if I’m pregnant.  What place would hire me knowing they’d have to deal with a maternity leave in less than a year?  I might not even be eligible in such a short amount of time.  The one thing I want more than anything right now is to have a child and it’s going to force me to continue doing what I’m doing for at least the next year, maybe longer if the two-year degree not getting me anywhere philosophy is true.

Wow.

I wanted more than anything to feel excitement as we head into IVF territory. I wanted to be calm.  And now the things that have transpired recently have robbed me of that.  I wanted the excitement to rise above all other things and so far it hasn’t.  Maybe it’s just because I’ve been caught in yet another classic two-week wait.  I’ve done 21 of these already.  What’s one more?  One more two-week wait.

I hope that I can get through these next few days and embrace IVF.  It’s probably the only thing that’s going to save my sanity, despite it being the scariest thing of all.

Finally!

I set a goal, became determined, and followed through. 

I have lots of goals.  It’s just that many of them I can’t control, like having babies and changing the job market. 

So I run.  It’s been the only thing that has cleared my head and gotten me through a lot of rough times.  At first it was just to try it out.  And then, once I signed up for my first 5K, I was hooked. 

The nearly 20 pound weight loss that resulted was a nice bonus!

Yesterday I finally crossed off a major item from my bucket list.  My pre-baby bucket list?  Or just my regular one?  Who cares!

I ran my first ever half-marathon!  13.1 miles.  

For some, that’s nothing.  But for me, it was a pretty big deal.  Never in a million years would I think I’d accomplish something like this. 

I’ve run a handful of races before but this one was pretty amazing.  To line up at the start with thousands of people of all ages, shapes, sizes and abilities is pretty powerful.  All with the same goal – to finish the race. 

Even with all the training, it was definitely not easy.  By the fifth mile, I just wished I was pregnant instead.  I was ready to retire from running.  But that was so stupid because I’ve gone much further than that before.  Time to start digging deeper. 

As we ran down some of the residential streets, people were sitting outside their homes, cheering on complete strangers just because we happened to be running past their homes.  Some of them even banged on pots and pans to keep us pumped up!

I kept going.  Some miles I couldn’t wait to see the next mile marker flag.  Where’s 7?  Please let it be soon.  Other miles I was in a zone and totally missed the flag. When I was expecting to see 8, it ended up being 9.  Nice! 

By the time I saw the flag for mile 10, I told myself I can do this!  I’m in the double-digits now!  Too bad there was a decent hill at mile 11 causing me to play the Rocky theme song.  Twice.

Once I was in the final mile, I was getting pretty excited and to finish this race in a stadium was really something else.  It was almost surreal and it gave me a boost to pick up my stride.  Something I never seem to be able to do in all my previous races.  I’d be so beat by the end.  But this was so amazing! 

My goal time was originally 2:20 but when I signed up for the race I declared 2:25 as my goal.  But I secretly wanted to finish at 2:20 or better.

My final time . . . 2:20:56.   I’ll take it!

 

Distraction from the distractions

I need a distraction from all the distractions!

Let’s see.  I’m into the swing of school now, and while it’s a nice distraction from work when I leave for a little bit to go to class, I still feel so scatterbrained.  All this coming and going.  This week alone there’s been at least 2 design events that I’ve decided to skip out on because they would have set me over the edge and distracted me from my upcoming race.

Then you add in the distraction of Mother Nature.  Waiting on periods.  This could be my last one!  Or maybe the one I designated as my “last” one next month before IVF could be my last one?  Maybe it won’t even come?  Maybe we’ll escape IVF?  What’s it gonna be?  Ugh!

I’m trying to distract myself with my upcoming race.  My first ever half-marathon is Saturday!  Then of course I tweaked my hamstring a little bit last week.  Will it be ok by Saturday?  Can I still accomplish this goal?  The weather looks like crap.  What should I wear?  All the race logistics – they’re making my head spin.  Is this a sore throat coming on? 

Job?

School?

Design Committees?

Baby?

Periods?

Running?

Aaaaaahhhhhhh!!!!  I don’t know what to focus on!

I need a break!

37

What is it with these “7′s”?  They’re rough for me. 

I can remember a time right around my 27th birthday, reflecting on my life and chatting with my mom about being disappointed that I wasn’t yet married or had some great job that I loved.  Maybe it was also because 30 was looming, I’m not really certain.  My life just wasn’t going anywhere good.  And it got way worse before it got better. 

Once I got settled into my 30′s, things started to look up. Found Mr. Right and got married.  And now at 37, I find myself still struggling with the career thing, but even more so with the kid thing.  I knew I wanted kids when I was in my 20′s and that’s probably when I should have had them.  But it just wasn’t the plan for me. 

Ten years.

Seems like such a long time.  And now I guess I can say I’m officially “pushing 40″.  It actually doesn’t bother me as much as 30 did, and even 35 was much worse.  Well, for the most part it doesn’t bother me as much.  The scariest part of 40 to me is knowing that’s probably when the baby-door is going to slam shut for us.  I know plenty of people get pregnant after 40, but I don’t think I have that kind of time.  The way things are looking, I don’t think I even have another year to spare. 

So, here I am.  37.  Let’s see what this new year brings me and if a baby is in the next chapter in this book.