Jog of shame

Two days after our bad news, I decided to go for a run.  Other than blasting our news on Facebook, this was probably the next best way to get the word out without having to repeat myself over and over to all the Fertile Myrtles in our neighborhood. 

It felt like a jog of shame.  And it was so hard.  Not just mentally, but physically.  I didn’t realize how much a seven week lapse from running would ruin me.  My lung capacity, my endurance, my stiff legs.  I felt awful. 

But then I felt a tiny bit better.  I remembered why I actually enjoyed running.  When it stops hurting physically, it starts helping mentally.  Starts to clear my head and starts to feel empowering.  Well maybe not quite that much today since it was my first time out there in nearly two months! 

I gave a little sheepish wave to a few neighbors that I saw.  It felt weird, like yes our IVF failed and that’s why I’m out here.  I might as well have been wearing a sign. 

But I did it.  I kinda feel like crap.  I had a bout of the good old, cold weather, exercise induced asthma that I haven’t had to deal with in such a long time.  I had gotten my body and lungs so conditioned that I was able to run all winter long last year.  I hope it gets better.  It’s a long road to get back to where I was when I ran my first half-marathon back in September, but I’m back.

And mentally, it feels pretty good.

Finally!

I set a goal, became determined, and followed through. 

I have lots of goals.  It’s just that many of them I can’t control, like having babies and changing the job market. 

So I run.  It’s been the only thing that has cleared my head and gotten me through a lot of rough times.  At first it was just to try it out.  And then, once I signed up for my first 5K, I was hooked. 

The nearly 20 pound weight loss that resulted was a nice bonus!

Yesterday I finally crossed off a major item from my bucket list.  My pre-baby bucket list?  Or just my regular one?  Who cares!

I ran my first ever half-marathon!  13.1 miles.  

For some, that’s nothing.  But for me, it was a pretty big deal.  Never in a million years would I think I’d accomplish something like this. 

I’ve run a handful of races before but this one was pretty amazing.  To line up at the start with thousands of people of all ages, shapes, sizes and abilities is pretty powerful.  All with the same goal – to finish the race. 

Even with all the training, it was definitely not easy.  By the fifth mile, I just wished I was pregnant instead.  I was ready to retire from running.  But that was so stupid because I’ve gone much further than that before.  Time to start digging deeper. 

As we ran down some of the residential streets, people were sitting outside their homes, cheering on complete strangers just because we happened to be running past their homes.  Some of them even banged on pots and pans to keep us pumped up!

I kept going.  Some miles I couldn’t wait to see the next mile marker flag.  Where’s 7?  Please let it be soon.  Other miles I was in a zone and totally missed the flag. When I was expecting to see 8, it ended up being 9.  Nice! 

By the time I saw the flag for mile 10, I told myself I can do this!  I’m in the double-digits now!  Too bad there was a decent hill at mile 11 causing me to play the Rocky theme song.  Twice.

Once I was in the final mile, I was getting pretty excited and to finish this race in a stadium was really something else.  It was almost surreal and it gave me a boost to pick up my stride.  Something I never seem to be able to do in all my previous races.  I’d be so beat by the end.  But this was so amazing! 

My goal time was originally 2:20 but when I signed up for the race I declared 2:25 as my goal.  But I secretly wanted to finish at 2:20 or better.

My final time . . . 2:20:56.   I’ll take it!

 

Worse than a period?

Twelve weeks.

I spent twelve weeks training for my first ever half marathon.  Went through all the phases of denial, thinking there’s no way in hell I could run for 13 miles.  Pushed myself both mentally and physically and stuck with the program.  Not once, but twice. 

My original half marathon attempt was this past May but life and school got in the way and I had to eventually stop training.  I had run all winter long, discovering it was the best distraction for dealing with infertility, and my goal for all my hard work was a coveted half marathon.  When it didn’t happen, I wasn’t so sure I could get back into it. 

But after more and more disappointing fertility tests, I did.

Twelve weeks.

And these last couple long runs really worked against me.  A couple weeks ago I needed to run 11 miles.  It was so hot and humid, but I tried not to let that deter me.  When two cars almost ran me off the road, one of them deliberately, causing me to scream obscenities at the driver, I lost my running mojo.  Only made it 6 miles that day.  How was I ever going to run 13, three weeks later?

The next weekend, I needed to run 12.  Not just physically, but it was all mental now since I blew it the week before.  I decided to head to a nearby park for better scenery so that running wouldn’t feel like a chore.  It poured as I drove there.  I sat in my car and waited a bit.  I’ve come so far, there’s no way I’m going back home!  It eventually tapered off to a drizzle so I set my ipod to my running program that tells you how far you’re going and how your pace is and started on my way.  Once I got into my eighth mile, I felt I was really going to do this!  Until the ipod started skipping and stopped the program. 

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

It must have gotten too wet.  I tried everything to slide the screen to get it to work but it was too wet as was my finger and so were my clothes so I couldn’t even attempt to dry anything off.  After miraculously resetting it for another 3 miles, it konked out again. 

The voice prompt kept saying:

Pausing workout…resuming workout…pausing workout…resuming workout…pausing workout…resuming workout.  Ugh!!  By the time I got to my car I ripped the ipod off my arm and gave up.  I think I made it to almost 11 miles. 

Today was part of my taper week where I start to run less and less leading up to race day.  I was scheduled to run for five miles.  About one mile in, it happened. 

I definitely tweaked something.  Shooting pain coming from my hamstring.  It hurt so bad I couldn’t even stand on my leg, let alone run. 

You have got to be kidding me?!?!?

I was so incredibly angry.  This is the one thing, the ONE thing I could do for myself to get thru all this infertility crap!  The one thing that has kept me going and has enabled me to set an unbelieveable goal for myself that I was ready to cross off my bucket list in ONE week. 

To me, this was worse than my period.  I’ve gotten pretty used to the disappointment with periods, but this? 

I stretched, I walked, I cursed and stretched some more and eventually managed to finish my run.  I’m still a little sore, but it’s much better than it was, so I’m off to take some Motrin, not only for my hamstring, but also my period.  For the 21st time, I’m pretty sure it’s coming…

 

01:04:11

Well, I did it.  My first 10K is in the books.  I wanted to write about it yesterday while the feelings and emotions were still fresh, but I was too damn tired!  Wiped out.

Saturday night, I went to bed somewhere between 10:30 and 11:00 p.m. which was probably not early enough for my 4:00 a.m. alarm to go off, but it’s hard for a night-owl to unwind sometimes.  My pre-race meal?  Lasagna and garlic bread, both from a box.  One box boasted “3 meats and 4 cheeses” and the other “5 cheese”.   LOL!  No matter how all the numbers added up, the equation also called for one giant glass of wine.  I even did a little research on it and many runners say a glass of wine, particularly red, helps calm the nerves, while still being healthy and shouldn’t dehydrate if you continue with your water intake.

The forecast?  Rain.  Rain.  And more rain.  Ugh!  The temps barely flirted into the 50s and there was a hazy, misty drizzle that lasted all morning.  The toughest part, no matter what the conditions, is what to wear.  How many layers to deal with?  Do you mind peeling away and parting with a layer, possibly never seeing it again?  Basically, don’t wear your favorite lucky shirt, is what I’m saying.

Then there was the issue of parking.  With 20,000+ people either participating or attending the event, parking was going to be a struggle.  Plus, they started blocking off many of the streets downtown.  26+ miles for the full-marathon runners is a heck of a lot of road to clear!

We ended up parking in the garage my sister used to park in when she worked downtown.  Familiarity would be a good thing since we were both anxious.  We then walked several blocks to get to the starting point for the race.  There would be an opportunity to use the restroom and check in our bag.  I’ve never seen so many people at a race.  This is still all so new to me.

By the time we checked in, there wasn’t a whole lot of time to make the big decision.   Do we dare remove a layer?  I told my sister I really didn’t have many options.  So we went with our original plan of tank, shorts, and a trash bag to wrap around us until the start.

The marathoners lined up first – both the full and the half runners.  I thought my sister would kill me for encouraging her to leave behind her extra layer.  It took several minutes to start the race and once we parted ways, she was lost in a sea of runners.

What a buzz!

Watching a band of runners all at the same time, thousands of them.  I still wished I was running the half-marathon, but I didn’t feel the need to beat myself up over it once I saw just how many runners were waiting behind to start the 10K with me.  The race officials pumped the music and pumped the crowd.  It was awesome!  Suddenly, I didn’t feel so cold anymore – the adrenaline was revving up.

And then, we were off.

Once the runners cleared out a little bit and got into a groove, it was so great to see so many different people.  Different sizes, different ages.  One young boy wore a little sign on his shirt that said, “celebrating my 11th birthday today!”  Another woman wore one that said, “baby’s first race!”  I teared up a little for both of them.  It’s such an emotional thing for some reason, seeing all these people with similar goals, enjoying themselves.  We’re all in this together!

Even all the spectators, cheering on complete strangers.  I still get a little choked up just thinking about it.  I can’t express how amazing it felt to be a part of something so huge.  I am so grateful that I signed up.

No.  Take that a step further.  I’m so glad I started running.  Period.

I may not have run as fast as I was hoping.  I really hoped to break the one-hour mark, but I’ll take the 01:04 and even the 11 seconds.  The original goal of a half may have changed to a 10K, but I can cross this new goal off my list and still look forward to the next!

I will be ready.

Just a 10K

Well, here we are on the eve of the race that would have been.  The race that I thought about while running throughout the dead of winter.  The one I was targeting.  The one that I found solace in when every month I’d end up not being pregnant.

Only it’s not the half.  It’s just a 10K.

I had a feeling I’d feel this way when the day came.  My training for the half took a real nosedive when my school schedule spiraled out of control.  Once I made the decision to stop training, it was tough.  But I had no energy and that drive that pushed me out into the worst of weather conditions died. 

My sister, who I figured I’d be running the half with, is still running the half.  When we got to talking logistics and checking out the race maps, I started kicking myself for not doing it with her.  She gets to run through some pretty cool neighborhoods, while I have kind of a straight shot, a big loop downtown, looking at the same buildings I see every day when I drive into work.  Oh well.  Next time. 

Then today I stopped in my local running store to pick up a few things since the weather looks really nasty for race time.  Rain, rain, rain.  They had more people on staff than usual, all talking about tomorrow’s race.  When they asked how they could help me and if I was running the full or the half, I had to correct them and say, “just the 10K”.  It almost seemed like nothing to them.  Like child’s play.  It made me wish I pushed to train for my original half.  A real race.

But I’m going to be OK with this.  I’ll be lucky if I even finish it standing upright, given the fact that I just finished the semester after going to bed no earlier than 2 a.m. most of this week.  That, and I only ran twice this week – a 5K around my neighborhood, finishing with my slowest time EVER – and then again tonight for 2.5 miles, in the rain.  I wanted to test out running with a hat and rainjacket, etc.  Turns out I didn’t need the jacket.  I actually ran in the rain with shorts, a tank top and my hat with brim.  It didn’t suck as bad as I expected it do, and neither did I.  My pace was speedier than normal, but that’s only a fraction of the distance I’ll be running in the morning.  I’m hoping my adrenaline will kick in and carry me through.

It may only be a 10K but it’s a distance I can do for now.  A sign that after a long, draining school semester, I’m back!!!

Dropping out of the race

Work is work.

Internship is great.

School has about another month to go, and believe me, I’m counting down.

But I have decided to not sign up for the half-marathon that I’d like to say I was training for, but really, I wasn’t.

I officially have too much going on and training was becoming non-existent.  Each week I was slowly adding one more mile to my long run on the weekend, and for the most part, it was going well.  But then life got in the way, school schedule got all kinds of messed up and my running days were being taken over by my internship.  I thought about running at 8:30 p.m. when my day finally belonged to me, but I would just run out of steam by then. 

I really struggled with this decision yesterday.  Yeah, there will be other races until the end of time but I had my head wrapped around this one for months.  I made that pivotal decision in the dead of winter, during one of my evening runs, probably after getting another period and was tired of just crying about it.  I wanted to run a half-marathon before getting pregnant, and with the possibility of my husband’s situation improving as we got into the summer months, this May race seemed like perfect timing.  But when I realized that I should have been running upwards of 9 or more miles on a long run by now, there’s just no way. 

In a way I’m kind of relieved.  I’ll still keep on running and training but it will be for different races, maybe even a different half.  In some weird way, this craziness happened and it’s starting to make sense.   If things didn’t get all screwed up at school, I would have continued leisurely doing my internship at a place I hated throughout the entire summer.  Now that I look back, I was able to get out of there, find a better place that I actually enjoy going to, and it will all wrap up in about 6 weeks.  I can enjoy my summer instead of having it flow right into fall and then before I know it, it’s back to school again.

So I’m going to look at quitting this race not as a failure but that it’s what needs to be right now.  And just the slightest bit of relief I’m starting to feel about my decision is making it worth waiting for next time.  The right time.  There’s obviously a plan in place and I’m learning all about it as I go.

Updates

Well, it’s been several days and I don’t have anything profound to talk about.  So I guess I’m just checking in with some random thoughts today. 

After my last post I picked myself off the ground and dragged myself away from the edge.  I’m feeling better now, although I am still exhausted.  Mentally as much as physically.  I am definitely doing too much and there’s not much I can do about it other than just wait it out.  I signed up for all this and while there were a few unexpected bumps in the road, I just have to look forward to the finish line.

And speaking of finish line, my half-marathon race that I’ve been targeting is not looking too good.  I’ve got about a month to go and training has been really bad lately.  Ever since I had to up my internship hours to get them done sooner, it’s taken me away from my running days during the week.  I was supposed to have run nine miles this past Saturday, according to my training sheet. 

Yeah.

I’ve never gotten past 6 and that was weeks ago.  I tried to run 7 yesterday and failed.  Didn’t even make it to 6.  Close, but not enough.  And I was dog tired.   Of course I picked the worst time of day to run on the first unseasonably warm day of the season.  So I guess I can’t really go by that.  But I felt like I was wearing cement shoes.  Running in the desert. 

So we’ll see.  This week is sort of the turning point.  If I can’t get the runs in that I need to build up miles to the long run, I’m probably going to have to change my mind on the half.  There will be others.  I’ll just keep running because it still proves to be exactly what I need lately.

The new internship – fantastic!  I could kick myself that I didn’t start with this designer at the beginning of the semester.  Would have saved me a lot of grief.  I finally feel like I have some purpose and am learning things.  I’m not just greeting customers and hovering over people who don’t really want me there.  What a difference.  I almost want to stay there longer but I’m so ready to have a much needed break from all things school right now. 

Good old Aunt Flo?  She’s kicked to the curb.  We are in cycle 15 and it is what it is.  My husband likes the idea of resetting the count to cycle 1 – post-op.  It doesn’t change the 14 heartbreaking, mentally-draining, previous cycles.   But he’s probably right.  I think he’ll be going for his first “sample” post-op soon.  Maybe even by week’s end. 

We also received some news about the discounted infertility procedures at the hospital he works at.  First we were absolutely crushed to learn they were doing away with coverage altogether but then we heard they would be offering discounted prices to employees.  So thru the grapevine we’ve heard it will cost us around $4,400 for IVF should we go that route.  That price actually wouldn’t kill us.  So depending on how hubby’s testing goes, we’ll get a sense on what we need to do next.

So that’s about it for now.  No time to think of anything clever.  No time. Period.

Run like it’s raining

It’s been tough to get a run in sometimes.  Maybe it’s a school project, or work’s too busy, or I’m just exhausted from everything.  But now that I’ve committed myself to training for this half-marathon and I’m already into week four of training, I can’t turn back.

No matter what.

Yesterday, I took a break from homework to run.  I was running out of time to squeeze it in before meeting a friend for dinner.  This spring-tease weather has been bringing a lot of rain along with it.  I really didn’t want to waste time driving to and from the gym just to run, so it was now or never. 

I stepped outside and it was just a misty rain.  Nothing terrible and the temperature was agreeable.  So I went for it.  I felt pretty strong despite being exhausted from everything.  After the first two kilometers, things were going pretty well.  At the halfway point, the misty rain was slightly heavier but not cold. 

After three kilometers had passed, I thought maybe this wasn’t such a good idea?  By the fourth kilometer, it was pouring rain. 

Fantastic. 

But I was alright.  There was something empowering about sticking with the workout and I had some serious determination crashing around in my brain.

And some seriously wet clothes and shoes. 

I had to get indoors so I pushed myself, and ran my fastest 5K yet. 

27:51

Not too shabby.  I should run like it’s raining all the time!

Aunt Flo is not a runner

It’s bad enough that she ruins my life, over and over, one month at a time.   But did she have to ruin my race today, too?

I started getting some mild cramps yesterday evening which I took Motrin for and it seemed to work.  They never got any worse and I thought I had beat her. 

Nope.

Woke up early this morning to get ready for my race and she was there in all her glory.  Doubling me over in pain, testing the absorbancy of my feminine products and wreaking havoc on all the plumbing in the bowel department. 

Really?  Three trips to the bathroom?  Ugh!

How the heck was I going to run with my body bent in a 45-degree angle?

Like this. . .

 I put on one of those heat wraps designed for lower back pain.  Figured I could turn it around, wedge it in my pants, and be good as new.  Well, it worked.  Between taking three Motrin and my little heating pad on the go, I managed to run my race. 

The best part?  I beat my goal!  I’m not super fast by any means, but I wanted to do five miles under 50 minutes. 

Final time:  49:20

Take that, Flo!  You can take away my chances of having baby news, but I’m still going to run all over you and trample your ass!