Technologically unsavvy

I have a super old deskstop computer in my workroom.  It’s on the second floor of the house. 

This super old desktop computer is where I installed the student version of AutoCAD several years ago.

The super old desktop computer also has a very old version of Microsoft Word on it that I’ve been using for school.

I am unable to use the super old desktop computer to go online because for some reason, it messes up our internet for the rest of the house.

So I do my CAD work upstairs. 

When I want to do research for my project, which requires the internet, I use our laptop.

Our laptop does not have AutoCAD or Word.  It only has Word Reader.  So if Iwant to fix a file I’ve opened, before printing, I have take it back upstairs.

Printer #1 doesn’t work, but its scanner does. I’ve needed it quite a bit for this project.

Printer #2 is hooked up to my husband’s computer is in his office on the first floor.  His computer does not have AutoCAD or Word, only Word Reader.

Trying to hook up the printer to super old desktop computer would require use of the internet, which we can’t do. 

We only have one printer cord, so it moves from second floor scanner to first floor printer frequently.  I’m about to hang myself with it. 

I’ve scanned upstairs, printed downstairs, emailed and researched from laptop which then gets saved to thumb drive, worked on upstairs, saved back to thumb drive, printed downstairs, or resent back to classmates from laptop.

Sometimes, I’ll use my phone to check email.  So then I got pretty slick and brought the laptop upstairs, spinning in my chair from super old desktop, to laptop, all while checking my phone.

I just emailed 27 files to my classmates to finish this god-forsaken final project, in the final 1.5 weeks of this final class before graduating.

I’m about to lose what little mind I have left.  One day we might also have a better technology system around here.

One day this story might actually be funny.

Luck for this lady

Well, feeling OK yesterday morning quickly took a turn by the evening.  I had a feeling it would. My emotions can turn on a dime lately, which I can’t stand. 

My husband and I left work to go to a funeral wake.  I already knew it was going to be a sad one.   His coworker’s wife, even though ill, passed away suddenly over the weekend, leaving two young children behind.  I didn’t know her super well, but had met her at various functions.  But I think somehow we feel connected to them because both of their children were conceived via IUI, which made this extra sad for me. 

After we left the funeral home, we decided to stop and get a bite since I had more homework than I could handle, waiting for me at home.  I just felt a heaviness.  Then my husband got this strange phone call while at the restaurant from a former coworker.  It didn’t make much sense to him. She was told to call him about one of the doctors. He had no idea what she was talking about.  The doctor in question was one of the docs that works with the doctor who offered my husband a new position a couple months ago, who then later got sick and took medical leave.  My husband was about a week away from finalizing this position that we feel is now up in the air.  When he was first offered it, we were in the throws of IVF #2 and it felt like a godsend.  When it later (hopefully temporarily) fell through, it was just another blow we took as a couple as of late. 

When he hung up from the call with this woman, my paranoia kicked in and I pieced it together.  We saw her at the funeral home and she mentioned about interviewing for jobs lately.  All I could think was that she caught wind of that job my husband was slated to get, but not before that particular doctor was back from medical leave to finalize it. 

I almost couldn’t stand it.  When I expressed my worry to my husband, it only created more tension. As if we could use more of that, right?  All I could think about was that this job was going to be a turning point for him. For both of us. No matter what – whether children came along or not. 

After we left the restaurant, I felt the heaviness even more.  I haven’t felt this bad in a super long time.  Just feeling like we keep getting knocked down, again and again and again.  Stagnant.  Stuck.  I wanted to kick the gas pump as I filled up.   I said out loud again, “God please!  I need a sign.  Career or children.  I can’t stand this anymore.  I hate feeling this way.”  I felt like crying at the gas station, which I’m sure would have been an odd place to cry. Although, I’ve found that no place is safe from shedding tears.

When I got home, I just couldn’t focus.  I’ve got less than three weeks of school left, with what feels like six weeks worth of work to finish for it.  I’m so close yet so far from being done.  I am done.  I’m done with everything. 

Then I felt even shittier thinking that things could be much worse.  Look at where we were earlier this evening!  We were just at a wake for a 40-year old. We could be in a situation like that.  What the hell is wrong with me?

My body felt like lead and my heart even heavier.  I had to focus on the now and that was my final project for school.  After going in circles and collecting my thoughts, I grabbed up a few supplies and headed for a clean spot to work.  (There aren’t many when I get near the end of a semester, my house becomes a wreck!)

That’s when I saw this.

I saw something stuck to my T-square and turned it over. 

It was a ladybug sticker given to me by my niece.  I don’t even know how it got there, it must have been on my desk or something. I instantly teared up.  There was my sign, but I didn’t know how to interpret it.  Does it mean children, or because it’s stuck to my T-square does it mean career?

I didn’t care.  I felt instantly better. Like I did earlier in the day.

Ladybugs mean good luck, right?

Derailing the train

My life feels like a runaway train lately.  So today I had to derail it. 

I played hookey from class today.  This seems so foolish when we are less than three weeks from finishing.  But somehow, three weeks still feels like an eternity.  I had to do it to save my sanity. 

I never thought I’d say this but I actually looked forward to staying at work today instead of dropping everything to race to class, then come back to more stress at work that was left unfinished.  I am exhausted.  I wake up groggy and stressed every day. 

It’s almost like a game of rock, paper, scissors.  If work was “paper”, it covered the “rock” which is school.  And, sadly, that same rock has been smashing the “scissors” that we’ll call running or exercise.  Something I’ve been needing to do but almost find myself not even wanting to do lately.  I even mentioned this to my wellness coach who told me not to worry about it.  Exercise should be a destressor, not something that becomes another stressor.  If it poses more stress by you trying to fit it in when it just can’t fit, don’t worry.  She knows I’ll be right back to it in less than three weeks.  I remembered feeling this way last spring semester and the rejuvenation is almost instantaneous the second I turn the final projects in. 

So I derailed the train today.  I had to.  Because if I’m going with these hypothetical analogies, then the train was sure to run off a cliff and we’ll call that cliff “infertility”, because that sounds about right.

So to recap:

Paper = Work

Rock = School

Scissors = Running (how funny because we shouldn’t run with scissors, anyway)

Cliff = Infertility

I decided not to run that train off the cliff and I’m already feeling 1000x better.  Maybe I can make it through these next three weeks?

This is one of the most ridiculous posts I’ve written.  I really need a vacation.  LOL!

Friday

All my posts this week have been written in the evening, after experiencing whatever the day brought my way.  But enough crap has happened that I will write about it now.  Of all the days in this final week of my two-week wait, I anticipated today would be the worst.

Oh, I was so right. 

I had a feeling work would drag on.  And it sort of has.  But then something big happened.  Something I wasn’t expecting.  It seems that in all the craziness of this IVF cycle, I missed the deadline to petition to graduate in the spring. 

I freakin’ missed it by FOUR days!   You have to set up a meeting with a counselor at the college, go over your transcripts one last time to make sure you have everything you need to graduate.  I was on pace to do this. 

I was practically KILLING myself to do that.  I wanted to get this degree wrapped up before a baby entered our lives and then make a transition from working full-time in what I do now, to perhaps something part-time in design, flexible, and/or near my home so that I could also be a mommy. 

Totally screwed. 

All that hard work.  All that dedication.  That huge push I made last semester to be a full-time student, while working full time AND doing my internship for 18 hours a week on top of that!  All down the drain. 

I made this absent-minded discovery after talking to one of the instructors about spring semester and the future of the program going forward.  We talked about options and while I’m still a little stunned, I think this might be ok. 

Maybe there’s good reason why this happened?  I was trying to finish a class this semester, while trying to test out of another and it was just too much at a time when I should be taking care of myself and lowering my stress.  I only wish I had come to my senses sooner.  I may back out of testing out and just let it go.  I can skip out on graduating and take the class next fall.  In fact, I can do the same with the class I was planning to take this spring.  It would have been my final class, but now that I missed my deadline, why kill myself? 

So I’m going to sleep on this over the weekend.  All I keep hoping is that there must be some greater reason why school might need to take a back seat. 

I’m really hoping.  TGIF.   11dp3dt and three more days to go…

My tip

School is back in session for me today.  Thank God!!

But not before a much needed cup of coffee.  I went down to the coffee shop in our building and every day they have not one, but two tip jars.  Each one has something written on it for you to “vote” with your tip.  Genius idea if you ask me.  One day it might be as simple as “cats” or “dogs” and the next might be something more worldly.  Today’s choices?

Damned if you do.

or

Damned if you don’t. 

Being the pessimist that I usually am, I thought Damned if you do, FOR SURE!  But as I stood in line I started to reflect on all I’ve been through in the past year or so.  All the big decisions I’ve been making.

The decision to go back to school while at the same time, muddling through this whole trying to conceive journey.  I thought back to last year when I was so stressed about trying to get pregnant and what if it happened during the school year and would I have to drop out.  This was of course before knowing all that we know now!  I pushed myself to the limit with taking full time classes and while working full time and interning around 20 hours a week.  I seriously don’t know how I did it.

But I’m beginning to understand WHY I did it, even if it wasn’t a conscious decision.

That last push I gave last semester was to make this year THE year.  I only have 2 classes left.  If we were to get pregnant this school year, no biggie.  Having one class per semester will feel like cakewalk to me!  I’ll have room to sign up for Interior Design History AND Pregnancy 101.  LOL!

I continued to think about how it’s been a rough road getting to this point.  Between all the pregnancies happening around me and having a tough time at work trying to either conform to what I need to do in the present or push myself for the unknown future job I’d like to have, it’s been draining.

But I’m ready.

I just gave my last round of bloodwork yesterday, which should be final puzzle piece before moving on to IVF.  Things are going to get seriously exciting.  And scary.  Maybe there’s reason why it didn’t happen for us sooner?  Maybe finishing this degree is first on the agenda that I have no control over?

I’ve also continued training for my half marathon and for the first time ever, I finished a double-digit training run!  Amazing.  Maybe this was next on my agenda that I have no control over?  I’m reaching new levels of excitement over the idea of this race and goal of mine.  Less than a month to go!

We are also planning a neighborhood party.  Something my husband and I have wanted to do for a while now but didn’t have any next door neighbors to coordinate with.  The ball is rolling and we are excited to host something fun that we hope will become a tradition similiar to a block party that everyone looks forward to.  All these things, lining up in order on some sort of “before baby” bucket list that I didn’t realize I was creating. 

After ordering my coffee I thought, there are so many great things going on.  Some scary, some exciting.  Some may work out, some may not.  But what-if I never did ANY of these things?  Where would I be then?

Here’s where MY tip went . . .

Damned if you don’t. 

Back on the school path

Had that awkward conversation today with my boss about my upcoming fall schedule.  I signed up months ago and I’m set to pay the tuition soon, so I figured I should make sure it was ok again. 

I have to really consider myself lucky that she’s even letting me do this.  When I first signed up for the program it was primarily night and weekend classes.  After one year in, they pulled the rug out from under me and switched to all day classes.  I had no choice but to let my secret be known at work and the sense that I may not stay at my current job forever. 

So I am very grateful, but it still made it weird to tell her that I’m two classes away from finishing.  On one hand it’s great that I only have to disrupt my work schedule two more times, but in the back of our minds, it also could mean the beginning of the end. 

Plus there’s that whole pregnancy thing.  If it so happens that I get pregnant, that could change a lot of things.  I might not be working at ANY of the places I’m imagining, including my current job.  I might be part time.  Who knows?

And speaking of that, we’re kind of on a break from trying.  I mean, we’re trying but not going crazy about it.  Not dealing with any drugs or IUI’s or tests.  Just trying.  And maybe that’s a good thing.  It seemed like perfect timing that the distraction of school is around the corner. 

Too bad I hit another snag with that.  Technically, I have three classes left.  One of which I was planning to test out of.  This was in the works and I talked about it with the head of the department last semester.  Too bad she’s since retired.  And I also discussed it with the instructor who would be teaching the class.  We had it all worked out.  Too bad she’s no longer teaching the class. 

There were a lot of personnel changes within the department and I might have to jump through a few hoops to test out of this class now.   If the dean decides to deny me this option, it will not be pretty.  It would mean I’d have to wait another entire YEAR to take it NEXT fall.  I can’t have this.  I just can’t.  I want to be done.  I want to be able to network and move on and figure out what’s next for me.  I can’t possibly go network and say, “keep me in mind for a job TWO years from now. Thanks!” 

Yeah.  So can’t ONE facet of my life go right for me?  Just one?  I really hope this works out.  I need the distraction right now.

 

May I please get through May?

For reasons I expected and for a few new reasons, the month of May has managed to squeeze every bit of life out of me and I think it will continue its grasp until the bitter end.

Oh, how I long for June . . .

The days leading up to May 10 were pure hell.  Very little sleep, project hell, home in shambles.  But the flip side was that I turned in an amazing final project and felt a small sigh of relief.  But it wouldn’t end there.

AND THEN – Once my schedule started to free up, I tried going for a run or two seeing as I signed up for a half 10K that took place at the end of hell school week.  Slow doesn’t even begin to cover it.  But the flip side was that I finished the 10K without stopping and only fell slightly short of my goal of finishing under an hour.

I started feeling like I was getting my life back. 

AND THEN - we were reminded of the fact that our fertility remains up in the air.  Hubby went for his first test post-op and now we’re stuck in limbo, in waiting mode to see if his surgery helped his “guys” even just the slightest bit.

And right around that same time, I’ve counted at least 3 pregnancy announcements from friends on Facebook, a neighbor went into labor early, and a coworker of my husband’s announced she was pregnant.

That one hurt. 

Maybe it was because they went into panic-mode a mere 6 months after trying?  Or maybe it was because they did all the same tests as us and everything was A-OK?  Or maybe it was because she was the one who, in a round-about way, did our homework for us by talking to the financial coordinators at the hospital to find out that IVF can very much be affordable due to the discounts being offered.

I cried.  I went into the bathroom at work and made the ugly face that you make when you don’t want anyone to hear you cry.  It was weird.

I thought I was all done crying.

AND THEN - a day or two later, my boss had a talk with me.  Turns out all the stress that the month of May has brought me, has started to interfere with my work.  She assumes it’s all from the fertility issues I’m dealing with.  I didn’t have the heart to say it was much more than that.  Now that school’s out (my distraction from reality), I have to deal with the fact that I really struggle with my job.  And it’s a roller coaster of emotions, almost as big as the fertility one I ride.  One day I tell myself I need this job, next day I can’t stand it anymore, then the next day I tell myself I’m at such a great place that I need to suck it up.

And so here we are. 

This past weekend I gave the discussion I had with my boss a lot of thought and decided that it’s not really going to change here so I need to find things that will bring me joy outside of work.  Especially since the idea of having a baby bring us joy isn’t on the radar screen at the moment.  I need to find a way to look forward to whatever’s in store after 5pm.

AND THEN - I log on to the school’s website to see that the head of the department gave me a ‘B’ for my internship class.  The class that she encouraged me to enroll in early, telling me that I could leisurely get my hours in over the summer and even into the fall if need be and that she could give me an incomplete and change my grade.  But then she announed her retirement and I had to scramble to find a whole new internship, nearly tripling my hours per week to get them done before she’s no longer at the school.  My 4.0 average, ruined!  I left her a message explaining how disappointed I am and that everything I turned in received an ‘A’ and that I was killing myself with full time work, full time school, and 18+ hours a week interning (because I listened to her advice).  All I can hope for is that the ‘B’ is temporary and that once I wrap my internship up in two weeks, she’ll change it before she’s no longer part of the faculty anymore.

AND THEN - May hit us with some major storms and found that the front door that we had our builders fix and refix 3 times, still isn’t fixed.  Water flooding into our foyer and bathroom.  Lovely.

Could it be worse?  Absolutely.

But I’m still going to look forward to June when I’m officially done interning and perhaps we can take a vacation or just enjoy our life a little bit.

AND THEN – Hopefully a much smoother life.

4 of 4 – Hallelujah!

It was ugly down to the wire.  My final project in my final class was really giving me trouble.  It was a huge project and the perspective drawing I needed to complete wasn’t cooperating.  I had to start over. Twice. 

I didn’t get to bed before 2 a.m. the last four nights in a row before it was due.  Exhausted didn’t even begin to cover it, but it’s done.  I turned it in, got an ‘A’ and came in first place in the judging competition. 

So it’s a little weird being done with the semester.  It should be old hat by now since I’ve been in school for 4 semesters now.  But this one feels different.  I think because I damn near killed myself trying to get by.  I just kept telling myself, one more big push and it will be smooth sailing after this.  Only two classes in the fall and one in the spring, and I am done!  I still have a few more internship hours to get in before month’s end, but I feel such a weight has been lifted.

So what the heck am I going to do with myself?!  Well, for starters, I’m going to get back into running more. I have my 10K coming up this weekend.  This was the weekend where I wanted to do a half-marathon but just couldn’t.  What kind of sadistic freak would I have been if I had continued training on top of everything else, having hardly slept all week and then tried to run my first half-marathon?!  13 miles!  LOL!  I’ll be lucky to finish the six I committed to. 

What else?  Probably work on the yard.  Hubs and I love going to the nurseries and finding new plants and shrubs to plant.  I love this time of year when everything is in bloom.  The second I get out of my car when I get home, I do a nightly tour of the yard to see what’s ready to bloom for us.  Love it.

I’ll also get back into my creative hobbies, art, etc.  Back to making baby blankets for my neighborhood and the fertile myrtle universe around me.  S’all good.  (Told my husband today that we are going to not obsess over babymaking anymore and see what happens.) 

But . . . first thing’s first. 

This.

The aftermath and evidence that I had no time these last few weeks to care about anything else but school.  LOL!  What a mess.  This is our kitchen table.  Luckily, we hardly ever use it for eating, so covering it from end to end, no less than 4 inches high at any given point with school crap would never phase us. 

Unfortunately, THIS is where we usually eat.  And as you can see, it’s also a mess! 

Ah yes, my husband’s workshop when I needed his help with my project.  Hope there aren’t any important bills in that 3-ft. sprawl of mail! 

It doesn’t end in the kitchen.  Oh no.  The mess made its way to the second floor of the house.

Once the kitchen table could no longer function as a surface to work on projects, I happened to acquire a drafting table.  You can barely walk around this room.  What a nightmare!

And speaking of nightmares.

Try getting a good night’s sleep in this room!  LOL!  Good Lord!  Laundry kicked our ass and I just didn’t care.  It multiplied exponentially every single day. 

Never thought I’d see the day that I looked forward to cleaning, but today’s that day. 

So on that note, I’m off.  Time to clean house, make art, relax, or whatever I want, because there are no more school deadlines and my evenings and weekends belong to me!

3 of 4

There is a light at the end of the tunnel.  Unfortunately, it still feels like that of an oncoming train, but it’s getting better. 

After weeks of no communication what-so-ever for my online marketing class and then finally learning that we would have a final, I  thought I’d be flip-flopping #3 and #4 on my list with #4′s final project due Tuesday and me trying to find time in my sleep to take the marketing final. 

But I decided to take my marketing final online, while at work.  Shhhh!  LOL!  I had to.  There was no other way I could fit it in with this final presentation project still looming over me. 

The marketing class was kind of a joke, and while I’d rather know that I walked away from it having learned something, I’m kinda ok that it was so easy to pass.  This semester was rough on me.  The final, was not so easy, but it let you take it multiple times until you were satisfied with your score.  Having not read any of the chapters, I was not exactly going to get an ‘A’ on it. 

First attempt, 50%

Second attempt, 62%

Third attempt, 72%

I’ll take the ‘C’ and call it a day.  This is so unlike me, but I just want to be done!  When I tabulated what my entire score for the course and saw it was a 97%, I was fine with the decision.

So it’s 3 down and one to go.  One really, really major project that I’ve already almost pulled two all-nighters on this weekend.  One more class and then I’m FREE!  Free to do more, to have a life.  The hubs and I strolled around one of the local nurseries this afternoon, despite me being a basketcase to get my project done, but I’m glad we did.  It was the calm I needed. 

And, after Tuesday, we can go back and stroll around some more.  Freedom. Can’t wait.

Un-Mother’s Day

Well, call me a loser.  Shortly after writing yesterday’s post, drip, drip.

Hello, cycle #16.

So I guess it’s another hopeful mother-to-be Mother’s Day that isn’t to be.

Oh well.  I’ve gotten to the point where it only really gets to me in those last moments where I’m trying to decipher if the period is coming or not.  Are those really menstrual cramps or the good kind?  And of course you can’t take anything stronger than Tylenol for them and by then it’s too late.  Then once the period starts, it’s just business as usual for me.  I’m done crying about it.

I suffered through my final project last night.  I’m trying to make this 3D model of our kitchen eating area to scale, cutting out windows and transoms with an xacto blade, while cursing out my abdomen.  But I kept pushing through the pain and thought about my new bucket list for the month.  And it’s a pretty good one.

Every month there’s the usual stuff that I can look forward to when the wait for my period ends.  Like adding sushi, blue cheese and wine back into my diet.  Those are all fine and dandy but then there are things like the fact that I can now keep my hair appointment next week.  I was due for highlights and I’m not so sure they do those if you’re pregnant.  So at least I can look nice for a little while.  LOL!  Then, the reason for being diligent with my hair maintenance, we have two weddings this month.  Guess I can be happy that I won’t be bloated or sick, right?  That’s all fine and dandy too.  Yeah, I would have been thrilled to be pregnant but one of the weddings is my mom’s.  I don’t want to take the spotlight off that.  Or, be sick, for that matter.  It may all sound stupid, but making a little list of positives is what gets me through another month.  And, who knows?  Maybe we’ll consider taking a little vacation getaway, after all.

We sure could use one.