There’s a coworker who I’ve bonded with over infertility, who has been at this as long, if not longer than I have. She eventually went the donor embryo route, which also failed, despite being perfectly graded embryos. She took some time off to reconnect with herself and her hobbies and things she loves and when at peace with whatever would be next, decided to give it one last go. Like any of us going through this, it’s never easy, but for her, it’s been even more difficult. When frustrated with the medical treatments here in the U.S., she took several of her attempts overseas to her home country. This took huge courage and a lot more money and vacation time to accomplish, but she is finally expecting. Twins. And she will be 44.
It’s moments like these that I am so touched to know about, to be included, and I couldn’t be happier for her. When she told me everything and asked what was going on for us, I caught her up to speed on what’s next – the surgery, the integrative medicine/alternative medicine route, and some of the things my husband and I talk about in order to find peace with moving on. She told me about that secret movie/book and how someone told her to watch it and I said that’s funny because a good friend of mine gave me a copy of it for my 40th birthday last year and just couldn’t bring myself to read it, but maybe I should. She said she has no idea why things worked this time, but they did.
That very night, I started reading and while it’s still early, one thing I already know is that I need to be a more positive person. I need to be happy and try to eliminate the stress that bogs me down every day, but it’s so hard when you constantly feel like lemons vs. lemonade. But I will continue to read and continue my yoga in an effort to fix my mood.
Then yesterday I went to the integrative medicine group to meet with one of the doctors for a consult. I filled out a huge questionnaire about my health and history, then met with the doctor to discuss things even more. When asked what brought me in there, I didn’t even know where to begin. I started with hormones and how I feel they are seriously out of whack, yet most of my doctors don’t seem to think that’s possible. I told her about my long history with endometriosis and all the symptoms and issues I’ve experienced along the way, including how many of them seem to be ramping up lately. I told her about the state of my lady parts my upcoming surgery and how I’d love to come up with a plan that compliments my recovery and beyond.
She pulled together a battery of tests and blood work that she’d like me to have done. She was shocked that my Vitamin D was never checked. She also thought my thyroid felt slightly enlarged and arranged for full testing – not just TSH, but also T3, T4, and Reverse T3. She’s also checking antibodies, Vitamin B12 (something I’ve always been curious about), as well as allergies to dairy, gluten, and a celiac test. She also threw in Magnesium and candida. Yeah, so let me just say this equated to at least 8 vials, maybe more. I chose not to look!
I’m also to do a saliva test for Adrenals and a cheek swab for MTHFR, tests I’ve read about over and over from other women going through TTC/infertility, yet never once were they brought up during my previous care.
She wants to see me back in a month, when all tests should be back, to go over results and a plan. I must say, I’m kind of excited about this. For the first time, I might finally get some answers about so many things that have been plaguing me – not just infertility, but other things as well.
And then it happens. While feeling content about my consult, I’m getting my cheek swabbed and I mention to the assistant that the only time I’ve ever been there was for a few months of acupunture during IVF. She then tells me, “oh yes, with X. She’s on maternity leave right now!” Well, take the wind out of my sails. The acupuncturist is my age and at the time of my treatments, wasn’t married, just dating, and was telling me how her mom was giving her a hard time about settling down. And, like everyone else in this world, settles down, and boom, has a kid.
Can I just have my moment? Can I just enjoy my potential good feeling about my appointment and restored hope of finding answers? Is that too much to ask? I was able to feel some happiness for about 20 minutes before it was yanked away from me.
Once I got home, I looked forward to sharing the appointment recap with my husband. While telling him all about it in the yard, while we watered the plants, a mom parade goes by. It happens daily, I’m used to it. But as they round the corner, I hear them excitedly chatting with the girl who lives behind us, confirming my hunch that she’s the next to become pregnant in the neighborhood. I then get to hear the “baby accountant” whose been literally tracking and counting the babies being born this year, tell her that she has a list and will add her to it.
Just shoot me. Why? Why can’t I enjoy my potential good appointment and restored hope for a hot minute? Why does this always happen to me? It’s one step forward and two slaps in the face. Every. Single. Time.
I’m convinced that there’s not enough yoga or positive-thought book reading in this world that will help me. Ugh! But I will try…