blessed

I’ve come to really hate that word.

I decided to look it up and found the following description to be exactly what I feel when I see or hear it being used:

blessed
adjective
divinely or supremely favored; fortunate

And about 97% of my FB feed used this word yesterday. Not as much when referring to their own mothers, but about themselves. Photos of beautiful children everywhere, all labeled with this word.

Blessed.

So what sort of word fits someone like me, then? Cursed?

God or the Universe, or whatever I choose to believe in has decided not to select me? To “bless” me? As a Catholic, this has really troubled me, and I continue to struggle with it every single major holiday, all year long.

Other than this one complaint, Mother’s Day was actually a very nice day. We spent it alongside all the best moms in our life. Had a nice breakfast, cooked a nice dinner, the weather was perfect. We played outside with our niece and nephew and went for a walk. All and all, a beautiful day.

Blessed, even.

Moments

There’s a coworker who I’ve bonded with over infertility, who has been at this as long, if not longer than I have. She eventually went the donor embryo route, which also failed, despite being perfectly graded embryos. She took some time off to reconnect with herself and her hobbies and things she loves and when at peace with whatever would be next, decided to give it one last go. Like any of us going through this, it’s never easy, but for her, it’s been even more difficult. When frustrated with the medical treatments here in the U.S., she took several of her attempts overseas to her home country. This took huge courage and a lot more money and vacation time to accomplish, but she is finally expecting. Twins. And she will be 44.

It’s moments like these that I am so touched to know about, to be included, and I couldn’t be happier for her. When she told me everything and asked what was going on for us, I caught her up to speed on what’s next – the surgery, the integrative medicine/alternative medicine route, and some of the things my husband and I talk about in order to find peace with moving on. She told me about that secret movie/book and how someone told her to watch it and I said that’s funny because a good friend of mine gave me a copy of it for my 40th birthday last year and just couldn’t bring myself to read it, but maybe I should. She said she has no idea why things worked this time, but they did.

That very night, I started reading and while it’s still early, one thing I already know is that I need to be a more positive person. I need to be happy and try to eliminate the stress that bogs me down every day, but it’s so hard when you constantly feel like lemons vs. lemonade. But I will continue to read and continue my yoga in an effort to fix my mood.

Then yesterday I went to the integrative medicine group to meet with one of the doctors for a consult. I filled out a huge questionnaire about my health and history, then met with the doctor to discuss things even more. When asked what brought me in there, I didn’t even know where to begin. I started with hormones and how I feel they are seriously out of whack, yet most of my doctors don’t seem to think that’s possible. I told her about my long history with endometriosis and all the symptoms and issues I’ve experienced along the way, including how many of them seem to be ramping up lately. I told her about the state of my lady parts my upcoming surgery and how I’d love to come up with a plan that compliments my recovery and beyond.

She pulled together a battery of tests and blood work that she’d like me to have done. She was shocked that my Vitamin D was never checked. She also thought my thyroid felt slightly enlarged and arranged for full testing – not just TSH, but also T3, T4, and Reverse T3. She’s also checking antibodies, Vitamin B12 (something I’ve always been curious about), as well as allergies to dairy, gluten, and a celiac test. She also threw in Magnesium and candida. Yeah, so let me just say this equated to at least 8 vials, maybe more. I chose not to look!

I’m also to do a saliva test for Adrenals and a cheek swab for MTHFR, tests I’ve read about over and over from other women going through TTC/infertility, yet never once were they brought up during my previous care.

She wants to see me back in a month, when all tests should be back, to go over results and a plan. I must say, I’m kind of excited about this. For the first time, I might finally get some answers about so many things that have been plaguing me – not just infertility, but other things as well.

And then it happens. While feeling content about my consult, I’m getting my cheek swabbed and I mention to the assistant that the only time I’ve ever been there was for a few months of acupunture during IVF. She then tells me, “oh yes, with X. She’s on maternity leave right now!” Well, take the wind out of my sails. The acupuncturist is my age and at the time of my treatments, wasn’t married, just dating, and was telling me how her mom was giving her a hard time about settling down. And, like everyone else in this world, settles down, and boom, has a kid.

Can I just have my moment? Can I just enjoy my potential good feeling about my appointment and restored hope of finding answers? Is that too much to ask? I was able to feel some happiness for about 20 minutes before it was yanked away from me.

Once I got home, I looked forward to sharing the appointment recap with my husband. While telling him all about it in the yard, while we watered the plants, a mom parade goes by. It happens daily, I’m used to it. But as they round the corner, I hear them excitedly chatting with the girl who lives behind us, confirming my hunch that she’s the next to become pregnant in the neighborhood. I then get to hear the “baby accountant” whose been literally tracking and counting the babies being born this year, tell her that she has a list and will add her to it.

Just shoot me. Why? Why can’t I enjoy my potential good appointment and restored hope for a hot minute? Why does this always happen to me? It’s one step forward and two slaps in the face. Every. Single. Time.

I’m convinced that there’s not enough yoga or positive-thought book reading in this world that will help me. Ugh! But I will try…

Update

I went “private” for several days because I’ve reached a point where I just don’t feel like writing anymore and wanted to think about the future of this space. I feel like there’s not much more to say and I’ve become unrelatable to many of the other bloggers that I’ve followed and networked with for years. Sometimes it’s a lonely feeling to think that even among strangers you still feel like there isn’t a place for you. I feel that way plenty in real life as it is.

But then a part of me wants to finish this chapter and at least document what’s next, including the updates of appointments and procedures. Sometimes I feel like I need to do that for myself. So for now I will keep a record of my upcoming appointments while still giving thought to the future of this blog.

***

So I met with the specialist, Dr. Golden Scope and the appointment went as well as it could. It started with a very thorough interview with an assistant, documenting my entire reproductive history. I explained how things pretty much haven’t been right from the start of my periods at age 11 and it’s been a mess ever since. I also explained what really brought me in for the consult, which was the increasing number of issues, pain, and problems my cycles are now bringing me each month and how my OBgyn was afraid to touch a single thing during my laparoscopy last month.

Once we finished up with the survey questions, I met with the doctor, who I felt very comforatable with. We started with the solutions I could try, but almost all of them are considered suppressive. There’s medications like birth control or injections that would stop the pain I’m having, but would also stop ovulation. This would be great if I wasn’t so conflicted about preserving my last shred of fertility.

He also said there’s been great success with IUD products, but again, not ideal for me right now. Even if we tried something temporarily, I don’t think there’s much of a window to play around with shutting things down. What happens if that forces me into menopause because I’m not that far off from it naturally?

I told him that I’m tired of all the issues I’m having every month. I’m tired of feeling sick, having pain mid-month and horrible periods with a host of other issues that all seem to blend together the entire month. I’m tired of missing out on life, on exercise and being active. I’m tired of feeling tired. But, I said that if I’m still ovulating, I really don’t want to give up.

The problem is, my parts haven’t been in the right place for a while now, only I didn’t know this until recently. I could scream at my RE who over a year ago told me a third lap would show that everything was the same as it was back in 2010 when I had my previous lap. That statement couldn’t be more wrong. So for almost two years since stopping IVF and just “trying”, we were completely wasting our time. All those months that had good signs of ovulation, or the times where we really enjoyed ourselves on a vacation, not counting days or worrying, were all for nothing.

The reality is it is slim to none for us and I get that, but I’m not going to slam the window shut myself. I’d rather leave that to mother nature. All I can hope for is the doctor can put things back to where they need to be and free up my organs so I’m not in pain every month. I hope and pray that the surgery is a success and doesn’t cause more complications or that he finds it’s worse than we thought. He didn’t push for a hysterectomy, so I’m fortunate for that bit of news.

The bottom line is he said the surgery may help the pain and it may not. It may improve fertility and it may not. It’s just the way it is, but it’s a gamble I’m willing to take and every day that I feel sick because food isn’t digesting well through my kinked and stuck intestines, I feel like it’s the right decision. Too bad the first available appointment was in late July.

Late July. I’d have to endure three more horrible cycles, one of which during our upcoming vacation. I had no choice but to take what I could get. I guess the alternative of rushing this and having it be a tough recovery during a busy season at work, and potentially ruining vacation would be worse. I would tough it out, watch what I ate and tried to manage the pain as best I could.

Then something happened. I had just come off of NIAW which left me with mixed feelings of both reminders and of hope, when I began to do more research on this procedure. I figured with three months to wait, might as well prepare myself as much as possible. I was literally just reading up on some success stories during my lunch hour and my phone rang. I was asked if I could move my surgery up by a month, to late June. It gave me a feeling of restored hope, that there’s a solution on the horizon that’s finally within sight.

So I now have two more awful cycles to get through. Just two more. Unfortunately, one of them is slated to hit during vacation which really upsets me. Carrying around an arsenal of supplies and looking for a bathroom every 60 minutes, is not something I wanted to do. It would be wonderful if my cycle length changes even by a day, pushing future cycles up just a tiny bit. But I suppose that’s too many wishes to have at one time, so I’ll just focus on late June. Let’s see what that brings about.

Cornered in

Not even 24 hours have passed since telling two different people about our short-term residential plans of sticking it out a few more years, and I already feel like the biggest hypocrite. After work I had a drink with a coworker and later in the evening I went to yoga with a neighbor friend and within both conversations the topic of moving came up. The underlying thought process has always been don’t be hasty with moving because you just never know, but sometimes I don’t think I can handle another day living where we do. And this morning solidified those feelings even more.

My husband has been on night-call all week so it’s been nice spending time with him every morning before I leave for work. We discuss honey-do lists and vacation planning and dinner ideas and sometimes have breakfast together. This morning was not a good morning. After not being able to get comfortable to sleep because my back is hurting again and having a slow morning getting ready to take out the trash, I noticed a bunch of kids on our corner. I thought that seemed odd since the bus stop is the corner across the street. Always has been. Then I noticed some moms who parked on our side and stayed put with their kids on our corner. Ok, this is news to me. Since when are we the bus stop now? What’s strange was there were kids also at what is supposed to be the bus stop. Are there two corners for this stop now? Our development pumps out kids like jackrabbits and what’s next? Take over the entire intersection?

It’s been bad enough trying to pull out of the driveway to leave for work when there are cars everywhere and a mob on the corner across the street, so now we have to split it up and have kids run all over our property when there just isn’t room for them? We don’t even have a sidewalk that extends past the corner, so how’s that supposed to accommodate everyone?

I really don’t think I can live here anymore. I really don’t. We had plans to finish the back yard where we can retreat to and try to find some solace every night, but in all honesty, there’s no escape. It’s like with each passing day we are being closed in on and eventually pushed out of a neighborhood where we so clearly don’t belong. Maybe if we had children, we’d not care about this. Maybe it wouldn’t matter because we’d be sending a child into the sea of children every morning. Maybe it wouldn’t matter running across the lawns because we’d have a kid following along in tow and apparently none of this matters to other parents as long as the kids are playing nicely. Maybe we wouldn’t feel like outcasts that people have to tiptoe around or think twice about inviting to “kid friendly” things.

Maybe I wouldn’t be feeling this raw if it weren’t NIAW. Maybe I wouldn’t be feeling this way if it weren’t the big consult day where we discuss the state of my uterus. Maybe we should move. Maybe I will never get over this.

Timing

Funny how just last month I was going for my laparoscopy during Endo Awareness Month without even trying to time it that way. My only regret is I didn’t tend to this over the winter so I’d be better off by now. But this week the uncanny timing continues as I’m gearing up for my second opinion consult with the specialist – smack dab during NIAW. Yep. I couldn’t have planned this better if I tried. And I really didn’t try, it just happened this way.

The timing couldn’t be better though as I’m coming off yet another horrible period and am still experiencing the painful digestion and overall sick feeling I’ve been growing more accustomed to. Thursday can’t get here soon enough. Just as I was changing my FB cover photo to my personal reminder of NIAW (my four sad IVF petri dishes), I got a phone call from the doctor’s office. My heart dropped as I feared I would be asked to reschedule, but so far that’s not the case. The nurse wanted to make sure they had my medical records. I was a little nervous because they are supposed to be electronic and in their system. I reminded her of that, thinking she didn’t realize I was a patient of their institution and not transferring from another hospital system. Thankfully, everything seems to be on track now.

As I went back online, it was interesting to notice the brave ones who take the plunge and either “likes” or comments on difficult posts. One thing I’ll notice is if I share something from one of the organizations to spread awareness, I sometimes get crickets. But if a friend re-shares the same post, it almost takes on a life of its own. Funny how that works. You try to bring awareness but people are so scared to tiptoe around the ones who actually suffer from infertility and appreciate the support.

I personally appreciate anyone and everyone who shares and spreads the word, no matter what their story is. If it makes people uncomfortable, so be it. To put it in perspective, I might be sharing a few awkward posts over a span of a week from the point of view that feels like it’s coming from the 1% on FB, while in return, I get to sift through hundreds of posts that I find awkward from what feels like the other 99%, all year round.

One week’s not so bad now, is it?

So I’ll do my part to spread the awareness while counting down the days to my appointment where I am scared to death he’ll tell me it’s all over. Where he’ll tell me it’s not worth freeing up and preserving the reproductive organs of a 40-year old and the only thing worth doing is a hysterectomy. That he’ll tell me my time is up.

Please not this week…

Back and forth

It’s appointment season for me. I’m on a mission to get healthy and be pain free so if that involves appointments and procedures, then so be it. I finally had the spine specialist appointment that I called for a month ago when I was stuck on the floor with excrutiating back pain. I walk fine. I seem fine. But the reality is I’m not fine. The flare that I had a month ago is pretty much gone, but the nagging sciatic type pain, deep in the glute, is still there. Every. Single. Day. I haven’t been real active in about a month now and it’s getting to me. I just don’t know what to do anymore. If I run, I ache. If I sit, I ache. If I clean the house and do chores, I ache. If I run a lot of errands and grocery shop, I ache. If I do absolutely nothing, I ache. I’d love to have one day where I can bend over the sink to brush my teeth and not be reminded of this ache.

So I met with the doctor and I instantly liked this guy. He ran thru a long questionnaire and a battery of little tests while he assessed me. He told me he was not going to look at my MRI because that would be cheating. After finishing up his routine he started to tell me that some of my reactions and symptoms sound a little like L4 but mostly L5 and S1. It was like that magic card trick, “is this your card?,” because he was exactly right. The MRI shows the bulging disc at L5-S1 and he responded with an “ah-ha!” when he pulled it up on the screen. Then upon review of my history, he informed me that all THREE of my previous injections were not placed as well as they should have been. He pulled up the images to show me and it was like looking at a dart board with three somewhat decent attempts to hit the bullseye. He thinks he can do better but agreed that it’s a very tricky spot and he will give some thought to which approach he will try.

We talked about coincidence of how this all started from the moment of my fourth and final embryo transfer and he said it would be highly unlikely that it was caused by that. Something would have to had gone really awry and at the very least, perhaps the position my legs were in finally caused the disc to protrude into the nerve. It was likely something lurking there for a little while and it finally made an appearance. He also noticed in my records that I had a recent laparoscopy and I explained how everything is “stuck” down there and that I’ll probably be having yet another surgery in the near future. He asked if we were successful in having a baby after all that and unfortunately I had to tell him we were not. It’s like my record has this huge red flag of “infertility” that becomes a topic of chit-chat no matter what the appointment is. I think we talked IVF at the foot doctor not too long ago! Geez.

So the options were to continue with physical therapy/sports med or to try another injection. Since I’ve been doing PT for a long while now and it’s been so slow going, I told him I’ve got a Disney vacation to think about in less than two months. I need to be able to walk around A LOT. And I’d like to run again, which he gave his blessing I could continue doing since moving is better than sitting. So injection #4 is scheduled in a week and a half.

As the appointment wrapped up, he told me about his sister who had been trying and trying to have children. They tried everything just like we did. At 41 she had her first surprise and at 43 her second. I appreciated the story and told him I’ve heard several stories like that and thought to myself what will be will be. On April 23 I’ll find out what the specialist wants to do about my stuck parts. And on May 6, I’ll meet with one of the holistic/integrative medicine doctors who might have whole different approach to everything. I’d love to finally be moving on, but it’s so hard when there just might be something else that can be done.

The final 2ww

I had my followup appointment with my OBGyn today and I didn’t even have to ask about my chances to continue on, I could see it on her face and hear it in her voice while advising me. So I didn’t bother to bring it up. I didn’t want to hear the words.

Everything is stuck. Very stuck. Like picture scooping up all your organs into your hands and squeezing them into a ball like play-doh. I even have some gross pictures of it to take with me to my next appointment. She said that if I were looking to stop the pain and issues, she would be able to do a hysterectomy for me. The full-blown, cut you open and pull out everything kind, with additional surgeons on standby to deal with the really stuck parts. Or, I could talk to the specialist she recommended, Dr. Golden Scope.

I told her I had an appointment in the books with him in two weeks. How funny that it’s perfectly aligned to be another 2ww. She said that by all means if there’s a way to avoid a hysterectomy, that would be the way to go and he would be the guy to handle that type of surgery. We could be pretty conservative if I wanted, but I guess that’s the big question I’ll need to answer.

Do I see if he could do a surgery to free everything up, cut out the adhesions and save the shred of womanhood I have left for something that in all likelihood is not going to happen, only to have to eventually resort to a hysterectomy soon after? Or do I say forget it and just get it over with – cut it all out? I guess I can’t really jump to these conclusions until I meet with him but the waiting and wondering for the next two weeks will drive me crazy.

I basically told my husband that my fertility coffin was delivered today and in two weeks we will drive the last nail in it. That’s just how this feels.

In the long run, I have to decide what’s best. I hurt all over below the belt. Now that we’ve seen a glimpse of what’s going on in there, it all makes sense. The digestion issues are likely because everything is stuck and squished and things aren’t passing through as easily as they should. The painful ovulation pains and mid-cycle issues I’ve been having are because my ovaries are stuck and squished. She said I’ve probably been dropping eggs into my pelvic cavity for them to just disintegrate for a while now. Crazy since just a few years ago my HSG showed that everything was completely clear. Funny how quickly things can change.

Guess in two weeks we’ll know more…

Signs of life after ttc

Haven’t had much to say anymore but for what it’s worth, here’s an update. First, I can’t believe it’s been almost a month since injuring my back and three weeks since the laparoscopy that followed the injury. For the most part, my back is better. I’m still having the every day aches and pains that I’ve grown used to over the past two years, but it’s much improved from my week off of work, confined to the recliner and sometimes the floor. When I called in agony to be seen by a spine specialist, April 10 seemed like an eternity away. Looking forward to finally getting to the bottom of this and hope that he has a plan that won’t involve major surgery. At some point I’d actually like to go for a run more than twice so far this year.

Tomorrow I go for my three-week checkup after the laparoscopy where not a whole lot was done. I’m hoping she’ll show me the photos and give some advice on my upcoming specialist appointment for the second opinion. April 23 can’t come soon enough. I’m miserable. But in a way, this is good. This gives me the opportunity to get one more horrid cycle under my belt so I have more ammo to plead my case with him. I’ve been referring to him as Dr. Golden Scope, as my OBGyn claims he’s the guy to see. I made it through my first period post-op but now that I’m in mid-month mode, I’m having my usual cramping, IBS, bloating to the point that something feels wrong episode. It’s been like this for the last several months now, so not only are my periods awful, but potential ovulation is, too. So that’s where I’m at there.

If I don’t like what either of these specialists have to say (the spine and the RE), I have yet another appointment next month with an integrative medicine doctor. I’d been toying with seeing someone from their group for a while now. In the past I did go to acupuncture through them, but now I’m interested in just getting answers. I can’t help but think that everything that’s going on with me is linked. It would not surprise me that the endo is contributing to my back and sciatic issues. I feel like my entire body must be on fire with inflammation most days. I just want to be better.

In other news, on Easter Sunday I went to mass with my husband and an amazing thing happened. I didn’t cry or feel angry or bitter. I smiled at babies and pointed out cute Easter dresses to him. I felt at peace. It’s taken me five years to get here. This might prove only to be a fleeting moment, but I’ll take it. All in all, it was a nice holiday with family and I was OK.

And still other news, with my mind temporarily free of ttc fog, I started to give more serious thought to my side business. I really want to get it going. There’s so many other things in life that I could and should be doing and sometimes I’m annoyed that ttc took away five years of my life when I could have been working on myself in other ways. But, there’s no sense in continuing that thought pattern, so I’m going to work on this.

And just when I’m not sure what to do with my career, when I think about starting my side business, I had an interesting conversation with a coworker after leaving a meeting we attended together. Ironically, this meeting was at our city’s zoo and part of me felt distracted trying to be “career woman” while watching mom’s stroll through with babies and children in tow for a day of fun. But after we left the meeting, she mentioned her career goals and how she wants to work up to the next position that could become available and asked what I wanted to do. The problem is, I have no clue. At 40-years old, I still haven’t a clue. I thought about those moms at the zoo and always thought that would be me, with possibly some type of part-time or work from home job. Since it’s not the case, I really need to think about this. She thought I could work my way up into her position. Wow. I hadn’t even thought of that. I’d been so blinded all these years with ttc and nothing else. I’d spent my entire working career looking at every job I took as “temporary” because I’d eventually leave to be a mom.

So, I guess what I’m trying to say and convince myself is, there is life after ttc. I just need to open my eyes and see it. Life is just too short.

Nearing and fearing the end

Well, I had my laparoscopy and D&C Wednesday, and it wasn’t good. My obgyn did all that she could, and it wasn’t much, as what she discovered was far worse than we imagined.

Everything is stuck.

Particularly the left side. Bowel stuck to uterus, sigmoid colon not where it should be, kinda squished. Left ovary hidden and stuck and left tube is all involved in the mess as well. She tried to free things but it was beyond her scope and comfort level.

What this immediately explains though, are all the IBS troubles I have and while the spine seemed clear of adhesions, all the stickiness and pulling on the left side, just might be contributing to the pain issues on my right. Almost every time I go to physical therapy, my pelvis is shifted out of alignment and higher on the right. Go figure.

So the next step, should I choose to go there, is to see a specialist. If I want to preserve the shred of fertility I might have left, worst case is I might only lose my left ovary and tube, and hope that they can free my other organs. Might even require a bowel resection. Or we go the hysterectomy route and be done with it all.

Just like that.

One more surgery and it’s over. Final. No chance of ever bearing children. Part of me says just get it over with and the other part of me doesn’t want to let go, just like my left ovary.

In the meantime, I’m on a waiting list to try and see an orthopedic surgeon for my back, with an appointment next month. And an even longer wait to see the specialist, later in April. I think he’s even considered part of the RE group I went to, which makes me even more angry. Why would they put me thru four IVFs with my body all inflamed and twisted like this? Why wouldn’t they listen to me when I sensed my endo getting worse? Why didn’t they investigate every time they commented that they couldn’t find my left ovary during follicle counts? Why do they think IVF is the answer when it was so clearly wasn’t for me? But, according to my obgyn, the man was “born with a golden scope in his hand” so how could I not at least consult with him?

I’m pretty sure he’s going to take one look at me, my age, my history, and my messed up insides and declare I’m done. Maybe that’s what I need? Someone to finally say it for me?

Story of my life

So it was decided that I’d have a laparoscopy and D&C. My Gyn would avoid poking the ovaries and would search and get rid of as much endo as possible. If it was severe or in tricky areas, she’d call in a specialist. We were on the same page. She’d even try to get a look near my spine to see if there’s any connection at all with all my sciatic issues.

I was told I’d get a call Monday to schedule the surgery. Monday came and went. I called Tuesday afternoon and was told the scheduler was out and they didn’t see my paperwork anywhere. Of course. This is the kind of crap that happens every time I try to get ahead of my health. Or ahead in anything, really.

I finally got a call back Wednesday morning. Looks like getting the surgery done that week was out of the question and pushing it out much further than a week would really mess everything up. Not only for my cycle but the fact that my husband was on call for night shift next week meant that he could be there for me without taking a day off. Thankfully they took all that into consideration and scheduled me for the next Wednesday.

So it was on. A plan. I just had a week to go but between having a plan in place, along with some nicer weather and a time change, I was feeling pretty good about things. I went for a run outside – the second outdoor run within a week after a long winter with a few treadmill runs here and there. I felt a little clunky but that was to be expected. Afterward, I went to yoga like I usually do. I felt a little beat up but it was a good kind of push for me. The stretches felt good and the stress relief felt even better. I wanted to get a few more sessions in before I’d have to be sidelined for a week or more. And then I felt it. Or maybe I heard it. I can’t remember which, but, POP!  A funny little cracking sound during one of my stretches. Didn’t think anything of it and all in all I felt good.

The next night I babysat my niece and nephew and made the mistake of sitting on the floor to play a game. When I got up, I felt a little twingy in my low back, but nothing terrible. By the time I went to bed, I couldn’t get comfortable. And by the time I woke up the next morning, I couldn’t move. It took everything I had to get out of bed, complete with groans and cries. My entire low back was on fire.

I dragged myself to my preop appointment and they looked at me funny.  I said I did something to my back and was moving a little slowly today, but it seemed more than that. When I was reminded to stop taking medications between then and the surgery date, I immediately knew I was in for trouble. They told me to give Tylenol a try for my back but I knew that would be a huge waste of time.

By the next morning, it was worse. I did ice, heat, my TENS unit, stretches, even the Tylenol. Nothing was working. I pushed myself through the day, trying to find a way to be comfortable without much luck. Then this morning, I didn’t think I could feel any worse. I couldn’t take it anymore. I was ready to take some old Tylenol 3 that I found in the medicine cabinet from a previous surgery or maybe IVF failure…more likely that.

It hurt to do anything. To sit, to stand, to recline, to move. When I did move, it was awkward movements to compensate for the pain, only to create new pains for moving awkwardly. I just can’t win. I’m supposed to have surgery on Wednesday and I was ready to die from something else completely unrelated. So I went to the urgent care center to explain the situation and they decided to put me on percocet to get me through to Wednesday. They advised me to call my doctor tomorrow to let them know what’s going on, in case she wants to postpone the surgery.  I really hope not. I wanted to get it going so I could recover and get back to running, but HA!  That’s hilarious. I can’t even walk or stand up straight, so I guess it really doesn’t matter anymore.

So I will see what she wants to do. Hopefully we will keep everything as planned. Unfortunately, that means I’ll likely be taking tomorrow and Tuesday off from work since I am not allowed to drive on this medicine. Then, Wednesday surgery and Thursday-Friday recovery.

The next step after that is to go back to the pain management/sports med/ortho doctors. I may need to consult with an ortho surgeon because this is no way to live life. I really don’t want back surgery but I also can’t keep this up. I may never have children, but I will not give up on my need to be active. I just can’t be denied both.

More tomorrow…