Letting go…almost

And now we’re back to our regularly scheduled programming where I gripe and moan about infertility and being stuck in life. Well, sort of.

I thought I was getting pretty good about moving on and giving up on ttc. I’ve been consumed by stuff with my dad, and trying to throw myself into work, and distracting myself with starting to train for a half-marathon. Every time I start down a new path, it starts to feel good. I start getting focused on new goals and things I can feel good about. I start thinking about “just the two of us” goals and wishes. I start thinking about a bucket list of things I’ve neglected the past few years.

And then some random thing will happen like how I was at the hospital for my back injection and the first thing the nurse asks me to do is provide a urine sample for a pregnancy test. I don’t recall having to do that last month and wondered if maybe it had something to do with the timing of having a minor surgery with my impending period. I complied but for a moment thought, what if? It happened to be Valentine’s Day and what a great surprise that would be. Especially since we had horrible news two years ago when our second IVF failed on this very day. Of course the result was negative and I instantly was annoyed. I wasn’t even thinking about pregnancy! I was there to fix my back and get healed so I could run again. I was thinking about our dinner reservations later that evening, and even our tax appointment we had planned later that afternoon, and some of the ideas on how we’d like to spend our possible return. None of it had to do with a baby because it’s unrealistic. But now there I was, waiting my turn for surgery for the next 3+ hours drumming up ttc thoughts again.

Then a few days later I was thinking about an opportunity that sort of presented itself when a neighbor decided to stop being a consultant for a home-based business for a product that I really like. I started giving serious consideration to become a rep and pick up where she left off. Living in a large community that we do, would prove to be a steady stream of sales and I always think about ways I could bring in a few extra dollars. I started researching it, only to find out some new stay-at-home mom in the neighborhood decided to join. I don’t even know who this lady is and thought there could be more than one rep, we probably don’t have the same friends. Then I watched her start up a playgroup for all the mommies and a lot of the people I’d hope to sell to, joined the group. She’s pretty much got it made now. Playgroup + sales rep = a winning combination. I can’t compete with that. I think these are the types who upset me the most. They get to be a mom AND do a fun job to make a few extra bucks.

And then when I try to flip the switch back to other goals, like running and training for races, I still get a hint of worry that I’m going to be putting my body through too much, jeopardizing the sliver of fertility I have left. When I get into training mode, nothing stops me. I needed to put in three miles today, knowing there was a good chance I couldn’t run tonight, so I got up at 6am (so not my thing!) and drove through unplowed streets after a heavy snowstorm to get to my fitness center. Of course their parking lot was also not plowed as no one in their right mind would be going there at that time. But I made it there and climbed through snow drifts to make my way to the door. It was empowering. But then I’ll have weird symptoms that come up that seem foreign and new to me like an acid reflux the past two days for no good reason, or really strange, sharp zapping cramps low in my uterus during an exercise class. Cramps that literally made me stop and say “ow!” outloud. Oh and night sweats the past two nights. I just washed the sheets tonight.

So stuff like this will happen and I’ll consider enjoying some wine, but wonder “what if” and I’ll drag myself to a store to buy a test. It’s almost an embarassment. I don’t want to run into anyone I know. I don’t want the cashier to say, “good luck!” Do I buy something else along with it to hide it? So I went to a dollar store, forked over a buck and bought one test.

Negative. Yep, that’s what I thought.

2 thoughts on “Letting go…almost

  1. I realize our fertility situations are different but I just wanted to share that when I was training for my 2nd marathon I went through similar thoughts and felt similar bitterness to mom friends selling stuff that in my case I didn’t even have interest in selling. Hugs. Keep training for that half.

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