For the past several months now, I’ve been focusing on other things, either by choice or because life’s thrown me another curve ball. Either way, I’m pretty distracted from ttc, infertility, or thinking about what’s next in my quest to find a new OB and or a plan for what to do with my reproductively challenged body.
I’m no longer symptom spotting, unless something really extraordinarily different happens during my cycle, and even then I don’t dwell on it. Until I get to the last couple days. Then I’ll wonder about the arrival of my impending period, trying to decipher the spotting and if it’s a period or something else. And then a battle begins in my brain. At first I’ll tell myself to not give it another second of my time because I’m only setting myself up for disappointment. And then for a second, I’ll actually be mad and think I just finally put my mind toward other things that I want to accomplish and now it will happen. Now?? Now that I’m on the brink of acceptance. I’m in the middle of training for a half marathon, with serious thoughts to training for a full. I’m finally enjoying work again. I’m considering other side ventures and projects. And I’m emotionally consumed with dad’s issues. Now??
But of course I’d be over the moon, dropping everything else I put on my plate this year, well, except dad. And then my period comes, dashing any hope I had and making me angry that I even went there again. I should know by now that once I reset my sights and goals, I should just stick with them. It’s a battle I fight every month, especially the recent months, and probably each month going forward as I creep closer and closer to 40.
The thing that remains, though, is I still need to find a new OB. I’m so bummed that my OB, who I LOVE, is no longer covered by my insurance. She always took the time to review my files and listen to my concerns and she was up on the latest and greatest studies, even suggesting things I could try and do to improve my fertility. I’ve been asking around, polling every woman I know about their OB and so far there’s been no clear-cut winners. Some of my friends have even said, their doctor is Ok, but they don’t LOVE them. I guess I’ve had doctors like that in the past but for something like an OB/Gyn, how could you not want to love them? Especially when they will potentially guide you through one of the most amazing, important things a woman will experience. And if no baby in the picture or plans, they should be your guardian for cancers or making you as comfortable as possible as you go through the change. So, I’m going to keep searching for an OB I will love. It’s just too important to me.